Spitting Out

I just got up from a 4 hours sleep, which is too less considering I didn't sleep for the past 52 hours. But, I just couldn't lie sleeping with all those repeated dark dreams haunting me. I wanted to get up and run  away, but I am too tired. How else do I take out what's pissing me off for the last whole month (probably ever since it happened first, three years back). 

I couldn't have regretted anything more than I do living that one day inside that office. I knew it was a mistake; standing for myself, speaking out my mind. It couldn't have been a worse time to do so. Nothing in life will I regret more than those few minutes of my life in the dark lord's office. Quite honestly, regretting going to Kolkata after my school doesn't seem to even qualify for the list of my regrets in life anymore; it is this bad. Post the Kolkata episode of my life, I had decided not to regret anything in life, for I thought there wouldn't be anything worse than choosing the wrong place and career. As it turns out, I was wrong. That probably wasn't even a thing to regret, I didn't have the slightest idea back then of how it feels to 'actually' regret something. It is million times painful than I thought it to be.

It is not anger, not frustration or irritation. It is much more beyond that. If there was a word to describe the feeling of 'wanting' to die not because you're suicidal, but because you want to be; I would be that word right now. I have always been clear about 'there's no point complaining, when you can't help it', but I have breached my own ideologies. It seems like all that talk of never regretting, stop complaining, live with it, that's how life is and the other million fucking things is all but bullshit. Pure and simple.

Living with a regret is the worse thing to happen to anyone, and saying this I don't want to indicate that I have already sailed through the biggest regret of my life. It is going to last for six months, and maybe more. 

It is that one person who has fucked my life once before, and is happily doing again right now. It is only fair to call him a 'pig', that everyone does. But sometimes I feel bad for the pigs whose name he is tarnishing. Pigs are more 'human' than him, and I feel there is a desperate need of adding a new word to the common vocabulary, to describe what he is. All the abuses he gets never do the justice to what he in real is, and that's why it's even more frustrating. You can't even say things and get happy. It won't ever be easy. Abusing him won't put you at peace, killing him would be too 'kind' for what he deserves. 

Guess, I will have to satisfy myself saying things to him.

But, I shall soon be doing things. Six months.

To him.

For those millions of poor lives he has contaminated with his presence.

Spelling 'WEIRD'

I reside in my destiny
Cause I know what will be will surely be
Can't change a thing by wishing and praying
As far as I can see yeah
It doesn't make any sense
That's why I call life a silly coincidence 

A silly coincidence!

Life, sure is weird. Things work out differently, never the way you plan them. People tell me it's destiny, what has to happen shall happen anyhow. Then, why do we plan, why do we think? If your destiny is pre-written, what's the point of even thinking of adding new chapters to it.

Want... Need... Plan... 

Everything is superficial. How helpless you become when you desperately want something/someone, all you know is to pray to God, waiting for a miracle to occur. But it never happens. And, you know it was destiny! 

Life, sure is weird... and funny! When I started out, I didn't even know if I was going to stay or drop out from this world of designing, Architecture! It started with a dilemma. I never knew what I wanted out of these 5 years. And then, suddenly I realized I had nothing else in life, but the facades and fenestration within the world surrounding me. Clueless I had begun, but somehow all this became integral to me. I have spent hundreds of hours thinking about how it all turned up like this, and yet I live... clueless. 

It is a funny thing though. I had never wanted myself to be where I am today, but God had other plans. Everything that happened en route this destination, has been a remarkable change for what was. It is never about the destination, it is always the journey. Yeah, it is a funny thing.


Destiny and destination have a connection, I have always believed. Both of them are pre-written. How you reach there, is the journey! 

I was always mocked for my bad decisions, was always told or rather advised to plan things. But has ever a plan worked for me! I am not a failure at planning, my plans failed. However, I have enjoyed those little failures, for I have always preferred spontaneity over planning. Mindless it might sound... crazy it is.


There are a million things that I want to decipher; I have achieved only a minute fraction of it. I plan to. My plans shall fail however, because life sure is a weird thing. 
It will never let you plan, and yet, it will demand of you.

Little Things You Do!

 

There was something about these lyrics. It has stayed with me ever since I heard this the first time. It might be the relation that I established with it. But it is rather more. It is the gesture. Priceless!
To you, with love!

P.S. The video is the property of whoever wants to claim it. I am here, just sharing what one shared on YouTube! Vodafone can pay me for advertising for them, if they like ;)