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| For, it is a struggle to decide.. |
It is almost a struggle to make time for myself these days. Most of the time, I waste on doing meaningless things like complaining about the lack of time to spend on meaningful things. It is such a dilemma. I was not meant to be this way, and yet, I struggle!
It's been two months today. I took the plunge and decided to quit my 'acquired' dream of becoming a landscape architect. I remember being gutsy about not giving a f**k about anything, and chasing my dream. But then I don't know what went wrong, or what I started feeling was right. I do not know what I came chasing after; it was the placements, or the tag of studying in an elite institution like 'IIT' or was it my father's wish to see me as a student of this institute. I don't know yet.
In my life I have done some outrageous things. I have done some stupid things, and some disastrous feats. All of it, I have posed to not have regretted. Deep down, maybe I did, some of them at least. I just read in Ali Mese's blog, something that compelled me to take a deeper look and come here and write. I have had some of the most supportive friends, who have never really declared me a 'loser' for doing such things like quitting my internship, or leaving a job for no reason or any of it. They have almost always given me reasons for my weird behaviour, if I couldn't find myself.
But then again, ultimately I have to face it. I cannot keep on doing stupid things and look for their support, or approval. I am made to take decisions that i would have hated otherwise, but now it has become a responsibility, and I cannot shun it away.
Life has become such a roller coaster that I am tired of pretending to enjoy it. I wasn't prepared for this. I cannot really pose as a saint and be happy about everything that life offers me. And I cannot live this life where I am always complaining about everything; people get tired of me, and I tire myself out. I should be able to find my own solutions and stop pestering people with my problems. I should be able to assess my own stupid decisions and stop before I take them. I should be able to live, after all!
