Sometimes it's okay to be forgetful and forgiving. You can't keep clinging to the past that was. 

You are Your Own Refuge..

“You are your own refuge
There is no other
You cannot save another
You can only save yourself.” 

 

This is what keeps me going these days. I think I gave up on everyone else a long ago, but then giving up on myself is not something I can do easily. It is this continuous journey where I fall and rise and fall and rise again, broken a little after each fall but the process of mending myself is a long and endless one. 

For I know someday the gap will be filled!

Reality Check.

The grass is always greener on the other side. It's such a cliché, and nothing is truer. They all think they know you, they don't judge you but they 'think' they know you. It does not matter, for they do not know what you know, and it won't matter till the time you are okay with what you believe... They will tell you how you get things easy, and you will just nod in agreement, even though you don't. This was supposed to be a happy place. Colleges are meant to be fun. No more, I think.

I hate this place. Hate is a very strong word and I try to avoid it as much as I can, but this is the only word which does any little justice to what I feel for this place. It is much beyond hatred, but nobody else will get that, for they think they know you well. Life has become this 'idea'. The idea that is so mundane and recurring. I count my days here, and somehow the time keeps expanding with each count. Two months go by and I haven't been able to log on and write a blog post. I think this says a lot. It wasn't meant to be this bad, but then it is...

There's so much going on and I feel like continuing to keep rambling on and on forever but this place.. I cannot perhaps keep blaming it on the place, but then the apparent depression that this place has brought is not something I have accustomed myself with. 

It wasn't supposed to be so meaningless, and yet here I am, trying to escape the reality. 

Ramblings...

The last speck of hope awakened, as he saw her name on the mobile screen. It was just a "Hello!" and for some reason everything from the past came to life in that moment. His friends had told him that he hadn't tried hard enough last time, but none of them knew how hard he had tried. They knew him, but he knew her.. and that is all that made the difference. But, her message rekindled the idea of trying 'harder' and he thought he would try again, but the night passed and the morning came with new uncertainties and new doubts, adding more to his already torn attempts of being at ease with what had already happened.

I sit scrolling down things that I don't want to read, things I don't want to see, but I just want to scroll up and down to nothing! I have started to feel.. shallow I believe, or something close to that. Suicidal tendencies I can never develop. I am too coward to take my own life.

Nothings..

This could have been the last. But then it's not..

And then, right where I started from. I think I have travelled this path before..

 The sudden urge to quit.

The hopelessness and despair.

The love. The loathe. 

All of it. 

None of it..

Now this is a feeling I know too well. And of course, it had to happen.

I have reached a place where I don't feel like questioning anything. I like to believe that I already have the answers. I am not sure if this is how I would want to march ahead, but then how else to live, I think I have forgotten.

I don't want to pretend that everything is fine, and I cannot.

I don't want to... 

There are suddenly a lot of dont's  and cant's and wonts and nots and nos and nothings... Such a known feeling!

This is a New Feeling!

This is a new feeling.

One of the those days when you just feel happy, and for no reason! There have been a lot of such days recently, which is refreshingly surprising for someone who is able to find faults even in perfection. It is strangely relieving to not know the reasons of your happiness, for if you knew them, you'd probably find ways to kill them. It is pleasing to your existence to have such days when you need them, it satiates your desires of being normal and elated. And how!

This is a new feeling..

What better place to be, than here... here in her lap. You could stay there forever; somehow this makes you forget all your worries. She is the reason you exist, she is the reason you want to! Her gap-toothed smile is all you ever wanted in life. For you, she is what utopia is! 

Her innocence is infectious. Her love for you is limitless. It is strange how you have never thanked her enough, a quality you get from your genes. You can't even express your gratitude in any form, even if you tried. 

She will always remain the first friend you had. Nothing and no one can replace her, for she is what defines your life, and you shall always be her little one! Because, your mother is why you are sane and existing! 

To the best person on Earth... 

All the love I have.

You Are All I Want..

I am surrounded by so many people, I am a part of the illusive crowd, and yet you are all I want!

The heavy metal plays in the background, people are yelling with excitement, they give me confused glances, but, you are all I want...

The scintillating beams light up the whole space, this place looks unusual, and I am just reminded of a night years ago, because, you are all I want...

You have found a way to sneak in every moment I spend here, even when you are several miles away, and now I know... you are all I want!

Oh! I Wish..

What is it that gives life to every moment of yours? What is it that define you?

That sudden desperation to quit!

That little hope to hold on!

The frustration building up!

I wish I knew. I wish I could control.. all this! But I cannot, and no matter how hard I try, I will end up hurting myself even more. Selfishness isn't something I was fond of, ever in my life. But then, what better reasons to live for, than to live for yourself. 

I wish I knew.. I wish I had the answers to all the questions you ask. I wish I had the reasons for the answers I have. I wish...

To.. The One!

So, she is the one person I cannot imagine to live without. They question us often, if we are in love... and I just cannot put it in words, and so I just smile! Yes, I do love her.. for she is the one person who can always manage to put my uneasiness to rest, when I need that calmness the most. She is the one who I can count on, no matter what time, no matter how! She is the one who doesn't have to do anything to make me laugh with all my heart. She is the one who knows it exactly how to be that perfect friend! I think this is what love is then, but it is just wrong to tag this super amazing relationship with a word that the world so fondly has cheapen up. After all, she is that somebody who I cannot imagine to live without...

It is her ability to put everything in such casual manner, that I love... It is her weirdly amazing energy that I love... It is her charm that I love... It is her.. that I love..

I have fallen short of words to put so much in such a small space, and yet I know that you know without me having to pen down everything.. exactly what it is that I have to say..

Here's wishing the bestest person on Earth.. a very very Happy Birthday. A friend that is even above perfection.. 

To the most amazing person I know...

*love*

Because, that's all I have, for you...

Chance Meetings..

"How much more time will it take to reach Kashmere Gate?", she just asked without any 'Excuse me!' or anything. 

"Fifteen more minutes", I politely answered and resumed to typing messages. 

"My phone's battery is going to be out in a few minutes, it's worrying me...", she explained like we were already having a long conversation that I was completely unaware of. 

You meet strangle people at strange places. I felt a little awkward for some reason, but then it was just another experience I thought. I offered her my power bank so she could charge her phone for some time till we reached the bus stand. That was about it all, and she continued talking for the rest of the way. By the end of the bus journey, I knew about her family, her college, her favourite food, and her plans for the next day. It was just totally bizarre. I am not used to meeting such over friendly people, and especially a girl, that too in a public bus. I just politely nodded at everything she shared, added bits of 'yes-es' and 'no-s' here and there, so I wouldn't come up like an egotist brat. 

That twenty minute long conversation led to me waiting with her at the bus stand, until her brother in law came to pick her up. I think it was just my quest for new experiences that turned the otherwise drab journey into something I hadn't expected.

After all, you meet strange people at strange places...