Until very recently, I truly believed that 'writing' was my calling, like I was meant to be a writer and just miraculously screwed my career. But today I realised that I don't write; I vent out, like a 10 year old wimpy kid whose complaints are not being listened to. That's what I am, just a pretentious writer. Well this explains the pattern in all my last blogs (minus a few) which are just a sob story of my life. Well, this isn't a blog, this is my journal which is meant to write all the sad little things! Also, this explains why I haven't been able to finish all those countless half written stories. I wasn't meant to be anyone, and specially not a writer.
Something changed today. There was that moment when it suddenly dawned upon me that I no longer like my own company - something I used to brag about. I don't like being alone. I need people to surround me and distract me from everything that is going around me. Yes, I don't want to be the centre for attention certainly, but I don't like to be left out either. It feels like suddenly a loose shallow facade has come off of me, like all these years I was pretending to like being alone, and now it just can't seem to continue.
Today brought back so many memories that I never wanted to re-live. There was that familiar door that blocked me from someone I love the most in the world. There was that wait that kept on expanding like a spell had frozen the time. Above all, there was that nausea all over again that I dreaded when it happened last time, and now more than ever. I know that this time is different - much different than the last, but this was as bad as the last time, if not worse. Somewhere deep down I know that she'll get better, that she IS getting better, but that didn't stop the same horrid feelings to strike again. It is not only difficult to control those dreary thoughts to take over, but just out of my human capacity as well. I can't imagine going through the same thing all over again. I can't imagine failing as a son all over again. Above all, I can't imagine losing that one person who I love more than anything and anyone in this entire universe.
Another dreadful thing that struck me today was that I need to learn to overcome my social anxiety. It isn't something casual, it's not like what people think - that I am too full of myself to take note of others around me. In a social situation when I am anxious and afraid of going up to people and starting a conversation, it isn't of much significance. However, today when I had to muster up all my inner strength to go up to the doctor and discuss something which couldn't have been avoided, it hit hard. People including my close ones actually think that I am making up excuses to avoid doing something on my own and want them to do for me, because well, I am too full of myself. But this really needs to be said - I genuinely want to be confident and move past this nonsensical fear of mine.
As much as I wish I didn't had to face the occurrences of today, I think it took reality and threw it across my face to have to realise what a lie I had been living!
