Sometimes it's okay to be forgetful and forgiving. You can't keep clinging to the past that was. 

You are Your Own Refuge..

“You are your own refuge
There is no other
You cannot save another
You can only save yourself.” 

 

This is what keeps me going these days. I think I gave up on everyone else a long ago, but then giving up on myself is not something I can do easily. It is this continuous journey where I fall and rise and fall and rise again, broken a little after each fall but the process of mending myself is a long and endless one. 

For I know someday the gap will be filled!

Reality Check.

The grass is always greener on the other side. It's such a cliché, and nothing is truer. They all think they know you, they don't judge you but they 'think' they know you. It does not matter, for they do not know what you know, and it won't matter till the time you are okay with what you believe... They will tell you how you get things easy, and you will just nod in agreement, even though you don't. This was supposed to be a happy place. Colleges are meant to be fun. No more, I think.

I hate this place. Hate is a very strong word and I try to avoid it as much as I can, but this is the only word which does any little justice to what I feel for this place. It is much beyond hatred, but nobody else will get that, for they think they know you well. Life has become this 'idea'. The idea that is so mundane and recurring. I count my days here, and somehow the time keeps expanding with each count. Two months go by and I haven't been able to log on and write a blog post. I think this says a lot. It wasn't meant to be this bad, but then it is...

There's so much going on and I feel like continuing to keep rambling on and on forever but this place.. I cannot perhaps keep blaming it on the place, but then the apparent depression that this place has brought is not something I have accustomed myself with. 

It wasn't supposed to be so meaningless, and yet here I am, trying to escape the reality. 

Ramblings...

The last speck of hope awakened, as he saw her name on the mobile screen. It was just a "Hello!" and for some reason everything from the past came to life in that moment. His friends had told him that he hadn't tried hard enough last time, but none of them knew how hard he had tried. They knew him, but he knew her.. and that is all that made the difference. But, her message rekindled the idea of trying 'harder' and he thought he would try again, but the night passed and the morning came with new uncertainties and new doubts, adding more to his already torn attempts of being at ease with what had already happened.

I sit scrolling down things that I don't want to read, things I don't want to see, but I just want to scroll up and down to nothing! I have started to feel.. shallow I believe, or something close to that. Suicidal tendencies I can never develop. I am too coward to take my own life.

Nothings..

This could have been the last. But then it's not..

And then, right where I started from. I think I have travelled this path before..

 The sudden urge to quit.

The hopelessness and despair.

The love. The loathe. 

All of it. 

None of it..

Now this is a feeling I know too well. And of course, it had to happen.

I have reached a place where I don't feel like questioning anything. I like to believe that I already have the answers. I am not sure if this is how I would want to march ahead, but then how else to live, I think I have forgotten.

I don't want to pretend that everything is fine, and I cannot.

I don't want to... 

There are suddenly a lot of dont's  and cant's and wonts and nots and nos and nothings... Such a known feeling!

This is a New Feeling!

This is a new feeling.

One of the those days when you just feel happy, and for no reason! There have been a lot of such days recently, which is refreshingly surprising for someone who is able to find faults even in perfection. It is strangely relieving to not know the reasons of your happiness, for if you knew them, you'd probably find ways to kill them. It is pleasing to your existence to have such days when you need them, it satiates your desires of being normal and elated. And how!

This is a new feeling..

What better place to be, than here... here in her lap. You could stay there forever; somehow this makes you forget all your worries. She is the reason you exist, she is the reason you want to! Her gap-toothed smile is all you ever wanted in life. For you, she is what utopia is! 

Her innocence is infectious. Her love for you is limitless. It is strange how you have never thanked her enough, a quality you get from your genes. You can't even express your gratitude in any form, even if you tried. 

She will always remain the first friend you had. Nothing and no one can replace her, for she is what defines your life, and you shall always be her little one! Because, your mother is why you are sane and existing! 

To the best person on Earth... 

All the love I have.

You Are All I Want..

I am surrounded by so many people, I am a part of the illusive crowd, and yet you are all I want!

The heavy metal plays in the background, people are yelling with excitement, they give me confused glances, but, you are all I want...

The scintillating beams light up the whole space, this place looks unusual, and I am just reminded of a night years ago, because, you are all I want...

You have found a way to sneak in every moment I spend here, even when you are several miles away, and now I know... you are all I want!

Oh! I Wish..

What is it that gives life to every moment of yours? What is it that define you?

That sudden desperation to quit!

That little hope to hold on!

The frustration building up!

I wish I knew. I wish I could control.. all this! But I cannot, and no matter how hard I try, I will end up hurting myself even more. Selfishness isn't something I was fond of, ever in my life. But then, what better reasons to live for, than to live for yourself. 

I wish I knew.. I wish I had the answers to all the questions you ask. I wish I had the reasons for the answers I have. I wish...

To.. The One!

So, she is the one person I cannot imagine to live without. They question us often, if we are in love... and I just cannot put it in words, and so I just smile! Yes, I do love her.. for she is the one person who can always manage to put my uneasiness to rest, when I need that calmness the most. She is the one who I can count on, no matter what time, no matter how! She is the one who doesn't have to do anything to make me laugh with all my heart. She is the one who knows it exactly how to be that perfect friend! I think this is what love is then, but it is just wrong to tag this super amazing relationship with a word that the world so fondly has cheapen up. After all, she is that somebody who I cannot imagine to live without...

It is her ability to put everything in such casual manner, that I love... It is her weirdly amazing energy that I love... It is her charm that I love... It is her.. that I love..

I have fallen short of words to put so much in such a small space, and yet I know that you know without me having to pen down everything.. exactly what it is that I have to say..

Here's wishing the bestest person on Earth.. a very very Happy Birthday. A friend that is even above perfection.. 

To the most amazing person I know...

*love*

Because, that's all I have, for you...

Chance Meetings..

"How much more time will it take to reach Kashmere Gate?", she just asked without any 'Excuse me!' or anything. 

"Fifteen more minutes", I politely answered and resumed to typing messages. 

"My phone's battery is going to be out in a few minutes, it's worrying me...", she explained like we were already having a long conversation that I was completely unaware of. 

You meet strangle people at strange places. I felt a little awkward for some reason, but then it was just another experience I thought. I offered her my power bank so she could charge her phone for some time till we reached the bus stand. That was about it all, and she continued talking for the rest of the way. By the end of the bus journey, I knew about her family, her college, her favourite food, and her plans for the next day. It was just totally bizarre. I am not used to meeting such over friendly people, and especially a girl, that too in a public bus. I just politely nodded at everything she shared, added bits of 'yes-es' and 'no-s' here and there, so I wouldn't come up like an egotist brat. 

That twenty minute long conversation led to me waiting with her at the bus stand, until her brother in law came to pick her up. I think it was just my quest for new experiences that turned the otherwise drab journey into something I hadn't expected.

After all, you meet strange people at strange places...

This Too Shall Pass..

This year too shall end soon. Another chapter is closed, and a new one would begin. This year from the last has been a roller coaster ride with everything going at a rapid pace and then slowing down, when sometimes I felt 'this day is never going to end..' But it has been weirdly an enriching experience. I suddenly grew up. Responsibilities were forced down my throat, and strangely I have started to like being a little more responsible, in a very selfish way. The year that I started with a new job in one of the places I had always dreaded to work in. Surprisingly, I really enjoyed working with one of the fussiest person on Earth. But one thing hadn't changed in me. I couldn't stay put at one place for too long, and I just left the office even before six months. But that is me. I had my reasons. I was supposed to join my masters. I was dying to go back to college, and have at least two more years of my share of fun, and how! The dream of becoming a landscape architect, of being extremely sure that this is what I always wanted to be... And then, leaving my preferred course for something that I didn't really like. I was completely surprised by my own doings. And so started a new phase in a world I was so unaware of... I never thought my second innings of college life would be so depressing. The feeling of running away and leaving everything behind... it was me, or the course, or the place, I don't really know, but those months of my first semester were the longest three months of my life.. And here I am, having gone through all that and achieving a little something to be proud of, and dreading the start of new year. I don't wanna go back to the place for another semester. I just can't imagine myself going through those dismal months of another semester. But then I got no choice. I am supposed to see light at the end of this tunnel, and be assured that this too shall pass...  

Another year comes to an end. 

So much changed.

Just a little remained.

...

Dear Dad,

We haven't had a proper conversation that lasted more than 5 minutes without me trying to hide away in the next room. I am sorry for that. 

People tell me I was a good son. I know you think the same. But I like to believe otherwise. I have always been this ignorant child of the family, who lived in a little world of his own. I have tried my best to escape the 'reality' as much as possible, and have succeeded quite well, and at what cost! I never knew I was capable of feeling regret. But I do, now. Now, that everything is turned into this gloomy little world. I regret being the son that I was. I wish I could change, some of it at least. But I cannot!

I have achieved what you always wanted me to. I should feel excitedly awesome, but sadly I do not. I did not get to see you smile on hearing the news. I feel a little sad that I never got to have that cake you would have ordered. Mom tells me it meant the world to you. And, even though I have this little feat to enjoy, I feel completely unaccomplished.

I do not know why was I what I was. It feels hurtful. 

And, I shall always regret not having the conversations we were meant to have!

Love..

So much have been lost. So little have I won. 

The Struggle.

 

For, it is a struggle to decide..

It is almost a struggle to make time for myself these days. Most of the time, I waste on doing meaningless things like complaining about the lack of time to spend on meaningful things. It is such a dilemma. I was not meant to be this way, and yet, I struggle!

It's been two months today. I took the plunge and decided to quit my 'acquired' dream of becoming a landscape architect. I remember being gutsy about not giving a f**k about anything, and chasing my dream. But then I don't know what went wrong, or what I started feeling was right. I do not know what I came chasing after; it was the placements, or the tag of studying in an elite institution like 'IIT' or was it my father's wish to see me as a student of this institute. I don't know yet. 

In my life I have done some outrageous things. I have done some stupid things, and some disastrous feats. All of it, I have posed to not have regretted. Deep down, maybe I did, some of them at least. I just read in Ali Mese's blog, something that compelled me to take a deeper look and come here and write. I have had some of the most supportive friends, who have never really declared me a 'loser' for doing such things like quitting my internship, or leaving a job for no reason or any of it. They have almost always given me reasons for my weird behaviour, if I couldn't find myself.

But then again, ultimately I have to face it. I cannot keep on doing stupid things and look for their support, or approval. I am made to take decisions that i would have hated otherwise, but now it has become a responsibility, and I cannot shun it away. 

Life has become such a roller coaster that I am tired of pretending to enjoy it. I wasn't prepared for this. I cannot really pose as a saint and be happy about everything that life offers me. And I cannot live this life where I am always complaining about everything; people get tired of me, and I tire myself out. I should be able to find my own solutions and stop pestering people with my problems. I should be able to assess my own stupid decisions and stop before I take them. I should be able to live, after all!

It is not the life that I miss. It is the lack of sense of humour I hate here. This is not what I bargained my life for, and I shall not take it... not anymore!

Re-Start..

I think it is time..

My new life started a few days ago. It is not exactly what I imagined it would be. I cannot exactly express if it has been better or worse. I probably didn't have anything in mind when I came here. If nothing else, I was expecting it to be a life altering experience. And, it surely is turning out to be! For, this is the first time I am living on my own in a place far far away from the comforts of my home. I am unable to put it in words as to how weird it feels.

Even though, it has been only a few days but it feels like a long time. Maybe, because there has suddenly been a tremendous shift in how everything functions here. Time has suddenly become a physical entity. It's like I can almost hold it.

I am still not sure where am headed. This isn't how I exactly planned things to be. But then, my plans haven't been so good so maybe, it's better this way. 

Just Another Day...

So, I grew an year older today. It feels... well, the same! Except that I am in no mood to celebrate. I don't feel like jumping with joy and going to mom and ask her for something, like I always do on all my birthdays. This year is different. So much has changed, and how! The day reminds me of exactly an year ago; the celebrations, being with all of my closest friends and sharing the joy together, but with that, it also reminds me of the hospital trip the next day.. A lot changed in that one trip! He suddenly began to diminish in his existence, and I cannot forget anything about it. So, when people ask me what are my 'plans' for today, I am just reminded of that hospital trip, and it doesn't concern me if it's my 26th birthday or whatever! I do not wish to cut that cake and smile, and laugh and have fun. I do not want to feel ecstatic because I have grown an year old. I do not want to reject the reality, that in fact I have grown 'old' and have achieved nothing. I fail to see where is the reason for which I should celebrate. They tell me to be a little upbeat, and positive. But, how could I be. I just want this day to pass, like any other day. I just want it to be over! All of it...