The 17th Post... To Mitch

I spend all day, doing things in my head and thinking 'this' or 'that' would go right in the blog. Like people click photos especially for their fb accounts, I think of words and things especially for here. I am not exactly a writer per se. I write for the sole purpose of venting out. My purpose has changed... with time. It didn't start with 'venting out' at first, but then it just became that.

I found this blog from somewhere, and I haven't stopped reading it. I usually find blogs, I read them and just forget. But this one was different, so different that I bookmarked it. That's a very weird thing if you don't know me. I don't bookmark things, nothing at all. But it was Mitch's blog. I don't know who he is, and I have no recollection of how I ended up at his blog. But it felt like a personal connection, like I knew Mitch, like I have known him for a long time. But in reality, I don't know much about him. Let's see what all I know... he's just a random person who is into writing, who loves his family, who loved a girl who probably dumped him or something went wrong between them, and that he is into writing, a lot into it. I am not into a habit of following a random person's blog, I find it much like stalking, and am not a fan of that either. But lately, I have been trying to get rid of unwanted thoughts in my head. I was advised to try different things so I could move on, but nothing has helped till now. And I have tried like a million things...

So, Mitch is a good writer. I like what he writes, and how he writes. He and I are so much alike and yet so different, I think. He's not as confused as I am. He knows things, and he's a doer, unlike me. So yes, he's the better man between us. But he's stuck over a girl who was clearly an important part of his life. I have no idea what happened between them, because he doesn't write openly about it (like myself) and I find that annoying. Either he's one of those innocent guys who fall for the wrong girl, or he's one of those who are just stupid enough to get attached to everyone they meet. I am not sure which one is he.

I have no clue why exactly am I doing this. Mitch is a stranger and I have no business trespassing the limits of blog surfing and intruding in his personal life. But I just needed the 17th post, so I could live in peace with myself. And his blog makes it possible. He gave me this post. So, I owe it... to Mitch!

..

What is it that changes everything now? The nonstop sessions of Grey's Anatomy makes me wonder. You see a lot of things and it feels like.. like you know what could have been done.. It was just an ordinary day; yes, a day inside that stupid building, surrounded by weird smells, hideous wounds and whatnot.. yes, that had been an ordinary day for me for a long time now. It wasn't the first time I stood outside the 'authorised personnel only' area, waiting for someone to call me inside. I just didn't know what to do when they did. It isn't like me to worry about his well being, or notice any change. He had been the same for a long time now; but it wouldn't have hurt to have a second opinion. I am bad at being open. But I tried, the best I could. 

It's insanely weird that you almost believe everything they show you in that TV series, like you now know a thing or two about medicine, surgeries, etc. I had just visited him and he was perfectly normal, for a long time the definition of 'normal' had been him lying still. I feel queasy in hospitals; I cannot really point out what exactly makes me feel so, but I hate hospitals more than I hate anything else. So yes, I felt uneasy visiting him in that intensive care unit, and looking at all those machines hooked to him. Grey's Anatomy has taught me enough to know that those machines were what's keeping him alive. But he was.. he was alive.

The doctor had just told me that he was improving. There was no comfort in his words, but there was a certain relief. I cannot stay in hospitals for more than a few hours, I just wanted to run from there and reach home. I remember sitting in front of the computer, watching that show again; no matter how restless it made me feel, I was still watching that show. It was a normal day until..

My phone does not ring at 11 pm. Nobody calls me, or atleast nobody was calling me lately as everyone I knew was busy or not in Delhi. But the phone rang. It wasn't mine. But I could hear it ringing on the second floor. Isn't it weird that the phone stops ringing and you know that someone has answered it, and yet, there is no sound, just silence.. I have a tendency of feeling bad about anything unusual, but I just wanted to delay the rush, the fear.. the truth. He was normal. He was alive. And after just one phone call, he wasn't. That's absurd, that's weird, that's just not an ordinary day. Suddenly there's all this chaos all around me. I do not remember anything what happened in that moment. Any other day, every other morning, I would have been prepared, but he was normal that day, I had just visited him, he was alive. 

Many days pass and you cannot stop the thoughts that come to your mind. I blame it on the excessive watching of that TV series. You see all these things in those 45 minutes and you cannot stop wondering what happened, what changed.. How a person goes from being normal and alive, to just not existing! You play those moments in your head over and again, trying to find out what could have happened inside that room. How it must have started.. How he must have felt.. Was it peaceful? Was it chaotic? You close your eyes to look for an answer... You just can't find one. I blame it on the excessive watching of that show..

You used to get up every morning and peeked inside his bedroom, fearing that moment. You notice the movement of his blanket, and you knew he was breathing. Then one day, you wake up and you have just lost that job.. You don't know what to look in that bedroom for. You still hear the sounds, like it is still one of those mornings, and yet you find it impossible to peek inside that room.. You go over every word that the doctors said, inside your head, trying to find what could have happened inside that room. He was alone in that room. You visited him and yet he was alone at 'that' moment. What changed. How? He wasn't a man with known heart conditions, then how do you believe when they tell you it was a cardiac arrest? You have seen enough Grey's Anatomy to know that it couldn't have been, but you know not enough to find what it was. No matter how many times you close your eyes and no matter how hard you try, you cannot fill the gap, you cannot create a reason..

It's hard to know beforehand that the last time you're seeing a person is actually 'the last time' you are gonna see him...Wouldn't you just give everything to know that it was!