What is it that changes everything now? The nonstop sessions of Grey's Anatomy makes me wonder. You see a lot of things and it feels like.. like you know what could have been done.. It was just an ordinary day; yes, a day inside that stupid building, surrounded by weird smells, hideous wounds and whatnot.. yes, that had been an ordinary day for me for a long time now. It wasn't the first time I stood outside the 'authorised personnel only' area, waiting for someone to call me inside. I just didn't know what to do when they did. It isn't like me to worry about his well being, or notice any change. He had been the same for a long time now; but it wouldn't have hurt to have a second opinion. I am bad at being open. But I tried, the best I could.
It's insanely weird that you almost believe everything they show you in that TV series, like you now know a thing or two about medicine, surgeries, etc. I had just visited him and he was perfectly normal, for a long time the definition of 'normal' had been him lying still. I feel queasy in hospitals; I cannot really point out what exactly makes me feel so, but I hate hospitals more than I hate anything else. So yes, I felt uneasy visiting him in that intensive care unit, and looking at all those machines hooked to him. Grey's Anatomy has taught me enough to know that those machines were what's keeping him alive. But he was.. he was alive.
The doctor had just told me that he was improving. There was no comfort in his words, but there was a certain relief. I cannot stay in hospitals for more than a few hours, I just wanted to run from there and reach home. I remember sitting in front of the computer, watching that show again; no matter how restless it made me feel, I was still watching that show. It was a normal day until..
My phone does not ring at 11 pm. Nobody calls me, or atleast nobody was calling me lately as everyone I knew was busy or not in Delhi. But the phone rang. It wasn't mine. But I could hear it ringing on the second floor. Isn't it weird that the phone stops ringing and you know that someone has answered it, and yet, there is no sound, just silence.. I have a tendency of feeling bad about anything unusual, but I just wanted to delay the rush, the fear.. the truth. He was normal. He was alive. And after just one phone call, he wasn't. That's absurd, that's weird, that's just not an ordinary day. Suddenly there's all this chaos all around me. I do not remember anything what happened in that moment. Any other day, every other morning, I would have been prepared, but he was normal that day, I had just visited him, he was alive.
Many days pass and you cannot stop the thoughts that come to your mind. I blame it on the excessive watching of that TV series. You see all these things in those 45 minutes and you cannot stop wondering what happened, what changed.. How a person goes from being normal and alive, to just not existing! You play those moments in your head over and again, trying to find out what could have happened inside that room. How it must have started.. How he must have felt.. Was it peaceful? Was it chaotic? You close your eyes to look for an answer... You just can't find one. I blame it on the excessive watching of that show..
You used to get up every morning and peeked inside his bedroom, fearing that moment. You notice the movement of his blanket, and you knew he was breathing. Then one day, you wake up and you have just lost that job.. You don't know what to look in that bedroom for. You still hear the sounds, like it is still one of those mornings, and yet you find it impossible to peek inside that room.. You go over every word that the doctors said, inside your head, trying to find what could have happened inside that room. He was alone in that room. You visited him and yet he was alone at 'that' moment. What changed. How? He wasn't a man with known heart conditions, then how do you believe when they tell you it was a cardiac arrest? You have seen enough Grey's Anatomy to know that it couldn't have been, but you know not enough to find what it was. No matter how many times you close your eyes and no matter how hard you try, you cannot fill the gap, you cannot create a reason..
It's hard to know beforehand that the last time you're seeing a person is actually 'the last time' you are gonna see him...Wouldn't you just give everything to know that it was!
It's insanely weird that you almost believe everything they show you in that TV series, like you now know a thing or two about medicine, surgeries, etc. I had just visited him and he was perfectly normal, for a long time the definition of 'normal' had been him lying still. I feel queasy in hospitals; I cannot really point out what exactly makes me feel so, but I hate hospitals more than I hate anything else. So yes, I felt uneasy visiting him in that intensive care unit, and looking at all those machines hooked to him. Grey's Anatomy has taught me enough to know that those machines were what's keeping him alive. But he was.. he was alive.
The doctor had just told me that he was improving. There was no comfort in his words, but there was a certain relief. I cannot stay in hospitals for more than a few hours, I just wanted to run from there and reach home. I remember sitting in front of the computer, watching that show again; no matter how restless it made me feel, I was still watching that show. It was a normal day until..
My phone does not ring at 11 pm. Nobody calls me, or atleast nobody was calling me lately as everyone I knew was busy or not in Delhi. But the phone rang. It wasn't mine. But I could hear it ringing on the second floor. Isn't it weird that the phone stops ringing and you know that someone has answered it, and yet, there is no sound, just silence.. I have a tendency of feeling bad about anything unusual, but I just wanted to delay the rush, the fear.. the truth. He was normal. He was alive. And after just one phone call, he wasn't. That's absurd, that's weird, that's just not an ordinary day. Suddenly there's all this chaos all around me. I do not remember anything what happened in that moment. Any other day, every other morning, I would have been prepared, but he was normal that day, I had just visited him, he was alive.
Many days pass and you cannot stop the thoughts that come to your mind. I blame it on the excessive watching of that TV series. You see all these things in those 45 minutes and you cannot stop wondering what happened, what changed.. How a person goes from being normal and alive, to just not existing! You play those moments in your head over and again, trying to find out what could have happened inside that room. How it must have started.. How he must have felt.. Was it peaceful? Was it chaotic? You close your eyes to look for an answer... You just can't find one. I blame it on the excessive watching of that show..
You used to get up every morning and peeked inside his bedroom, fearing that moment. You notice the movement of his blanket, and you knew he was breathing. Then one day, you wake up and you have just lost that job.. You don't know what to look in that bedroom for. You still hear the sounds, like it is still one of those mornings, and yet you find it impossible to peek inside that room.. You go over every word that the doctors said, inside your head, trying to find what could have happened inside that room. He was alone in that room. You visited him and yet he was alone at 'that' moment. What changed. How? He wasn't a man with known heart conditions, then how do you believe when they tell you it was a cardiac arrest? You have seen enough Grey's Anatomy to know that it couldn't have been, but you know not enough to find what it was. No matter how many times you close your eyes and no matter how hard you try, you cannot fill the gap, you cannot create a reason..
It's hard to know beforehand that the last time you're seeing a person is actually 'the last time' you are gonna see him...Wouldn't you just give everything to know that it was!
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