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Watching the re-runs of Grey's Anatomy is difficult for me, for every frame that I watch, it takes me back outside that ICU on the 4th floor of that godforsaken hospital. It brings back the memories afresh. It makes it difficult for me to believe that it has actually happened what has happened. People tell me not to be doing this to myself, they tell me that it's not fair. But I believe that I need to watch that series. I am scared that I am beginning to forget what it was like, like I am not sure if it was the fourth floor or the third. I am scared that I may no longer remember the last time I saw you. And I believe, that I need to remember. That is my last memory of you, and I want to re-live it everyday, every moment that I breathe. 

They tell you how it's going to be alright, just in time, but they never tell you what to look out for if it doesn't. You think that one day you will wake up and realize that it's all gone, like you have wiped the slate clean. But you don't want to. It doesn't matter if people pity you or feed you philosophical crap about not being hung up in the past; sometimes you want to be hung up, you need to keep a grip on the past. I don't want to listen them talk, and pity!

They show you a lot of crap in that TV series, I almost want to believe that it is after all a tremendous thing that these doctors do, and maybe they do, but I for one know that it's not true for this place at least. Doctors here are not taking extraordinary measures to keep someone alive. They don't really care about someone's privacy, or their last wishes. I have hated hospitals all my life, and I just hate them more now, but seeing all that in that show, it makes me want to hate all the doctors too. It just keeps bringing back that day in the ICU, finding no one by your side because apparently it is their stupid 'protocol' to not allow family inside. It makes me hate that medical staff who didn't bother to fill us up with what was going on with you, and waited till the end to tell us. I hate them for not trying hard enough. I hate the fact that it is so easy for them to say 'we have done everything we could'. I just hate everything!

I know I shouldn't be watching that show, what with all the flashbacks in my head making me mad. But I just feel that I need to. I know nothing I do, or anyone does can bring back the time, but I need myself to be okay with the fact that it has happened what happened. I was not the best person to be around you, and I get that, and I know you understood. I just want to be able to 'realize' it and be okay with it. I want to be able to watch the show and think that it was indeed the 'best they could do'. Till then I don't mind suffering, and I don't want people's pity or sympathy. I just want to be able to find closure! 

One day, I hope I do..