To Be or Not To Be..

I think I am in love.. I try to be in. My head feels dizzy with notions of being in love, and again! Everything is strange, and a slightly brighter shade of vibrant. It cannot be.. I choose to believe!

I think it is those smiling eyes that make me want to believe, and yet all that 'wanting to' believe is dwarfed by my inner inhibition. I have traveled this road before, and I don't want to reach some place that I have already left, and happily! I do not know how far this could go, but I do hope it doesn't hit a dead end. Someone once told me that I shouldn't be afraid to fall back in love; but this is not fear of falling in love, of course I want to, but I am more scared of losing it all!

.

You must hate me, for breaking your heart... I said with no distinct emotion. 
"No, don't be silly!" She replied. 

It was the most painful smile that I had ever seen on her face.

Diary of a Dead Man..

It had been too long now. I couldn't open my eyes. I was struggling; struggling hard, and then I realized, my eyes were open already. I blinked twice to check, and then the third time. Yes, I was seeing; seeing 'dark'. I could see nothing but darkness. But the black was darker than the usual, I began to worry. When was the last time I 'saw' anything?, I wondered, but there was nothing but darkness, even inside my head. 

That silhouette was the first vision, hours later when I had given up all the hope of seeing again. It was moving in a synchronous motion, in combination with those beeps that now were audible somewhere far. I wanted to hold it, but couldn't. It was becoming more clear now, and soon it turned into a woman clad in white. Either the white was extremely bright, or it were my eyes, but the white was blinding my vision. I didn't want to lose what I had just gotten, I focused hard but in vain. It was all dark again, the beeps turned into a continuous unending screeching noise. I wanted to jump out of the bed, that I now realized wasn't where I had slept last night. Where am I?, the first time my mind ticked. I looked around, trying to identify where I was, but I was surrounded by a deep darkness. The black turned darker; I was amused, even black had shades. 

I wanted to shout. I wanted to cry. But everything was mute, either that or I failed to hear myself. A smile I saw; they were the eyes I knew too well. And then the smile turned in to a nothing, all gone.  

Someday, I Will...

I am just trying to find what should I be looking for!

I have waited for such a night, all my life, but tonight it just feels incomplete. I sit in the living room, taking long drags from that cigarette, not worried about being caught. The ash tray hasn't been used for ages, and it does not feel like it should. I believe it's the age that impedes my excitement of being alone. I have grown old! The football match plays in the backdrop and somehow I cannot focus on the screen. A lot has been going on lately, and to get it all out of my head, I haven't had the chance! 

I am trying to get back to where I was, but I seem to have lost the way. I have lost so much, and gained significantly nothing. People tell me I have achieved great feats; cracking the GATE with a not so bad rank, getting admission in IIT and having managed to have worked with the best landscape architect in the country. I should feel a certain pride I suppose, but it's just too shallow. The whole sense of achievement is diminished when I don't find that somebody for whom it meant much more than it means to me. People tell me I have made him proud, and yet somehow I am not convinced. Every single day that passes, I have a feeling to have failed him even more. I do not want to feel this way, it is not my intention to let him down, but I seem to have just lost the control! 

I think if I knew where I am headed to, it would put me at ease, but then again, I am not sure which direction is which. It is all so foggy, so confused. My senses seem to have been derailed from their tracks, and now they just wander off any which way they like! But I happen to have made a slight improvement, for one, I don't feel so depressed now. There is that certain anxiety of not knowing where to go, but the fear of failing escapes me. I believe I am ready to take a risk, and again! I just want this to go right, so I could go and stand on the top of that mound, and face him with contentment; so I could be assured that I have made him proud! I am just looking out for that moment, when I will...