Someday, I Will...

I am just trying to find what should I be looking for!

I have waited for such a night, all my life, but tonight it just feels incomplete. I sit in the living room, taking long drags from that cigarette, not worried about being caught. The ash tray hasn't been used for ages, and it does not feel like it should. I believe it's the age that impedes my excitement of being alone. I have grown old! The football match plays in the backdrop and somehow I cannot focus on the screen. A lot has been going on lately, and to get it all out of my head, I haven't had the chance! 

I am trying to get back to where I was, but I seem to have lost the way. I have lost so much, and gained significantly nothing. People tell me I have achieved great feats; cracking the GATE with a not so bad rank, getting admission in IIT and having managed to have worked with the best landscape architect in the country. I should feel a certain pride I suppose, but it's just too shallow. The whole sense of achievement is diminished when I don't find that somebody for whom it meant much more than it means to me. People tell me I have made him proud, and yet somehow I am not convinced. Every single day that passes, I have a feeling to have failed him even more. I do not want to feel this way, it is not my intention to let him down, but I seem to have just lost the control! 

I think if I knew where I am headed to, it would put me at ease, but then again, I am not sure which direction is which. It is all so foggy, so confused. My senses seem to have been derailed from their tracks, and now they just wander off any which way they like! But I happen to have made a slight improvement, for one, I don't feel so depressed now. There is that certain anxiety of not knowing where to go, but the fear of failing escapes me. I believe I am ready to take a risk, and again! I just want this to go right, so I could go and stand on the top of that mound, and face him with contentment; so I could be assured that I have made him proud! I am just looking out for that moment, when I will...