Walking on Thin Ice

Do you also find it strange to be taking those first steps all over again? It is so much effort to be doing this - trying to mend things, but I am hoping it's worth the work. To get to know you all over again, is like revisiting things of the past that I had strangely overlooked. It is indeed a strange feeling, but there is no doubt about me really 'wanting' to do this. I know for a fact that I wouldn't be doing this for anyone else in the world, but for you, it feels like a natural instinct. It surprises even myself how patient and restrained I have become. I am constantly waiting for that notification on my phone, and hoping it's you. I fight the urge to just randomly text you telling you that I truly love you. There, I said it, I don't think I'll find a less cheesy way to put this in words. But, I also know that you are coming out of a bad phase, and I don't want to screw up, again! So, I'll patiently wait for a time when you are more welcoming and open to the idea that second chances can sometimes do wonders. 

I am also scared that this all will go away in a whiff, like I'd suddenly wake up from a wonderful dream. It frightens me that I might do or say something which'll set you off, and I might not be able to get a second chance at all. I am scared, but I am also hopeful. Hopeful that things will get better. I am not known to be optimistic about anything, but this, this is something I am extremely positive about. It may well be because I am too scared to lose you and hope is the only thing that keeps me sane. It is like walking on thin ice - I am not sure which step will be my doom, but I am so hopeful that we get through this and find each other on solid ground. I have no other way to put this, but you'll always be everything I want. Always!

ماضی ، حال ، مستقبل

ماضی کی چند باتوں نے یوں اک احساس سا جگا دیا جیسے اسی لمحے كے لیے اپنی زندگی بتائی ہو . لیکن موجودہ حالات کچھ اور ہی بیان کرتے ہیں . مانو آج ہی شروعات ہوئی ہو ، ماضی کا وجود ہی جیسے ختم ہو گیا ہو . جانتا ہوں كے ان حالات کا قصور وار میں خود ہی ہوں ، لیکن خود کا ہی دِل گوارہ نہیں کرتا یہ شکست حال . کاش میرے بس میں ہوتا ماضی کو مستقبل کرنا .

29th

It's such a bittersweet thing to be growing old. You gain a year and you lose one. 29 is exactly like being 21 when you feel sad to have entered the 20s.. and 29 when you are almost 30 and haven't achieved a single thing. 

Oceans

..And nothing comes close
To the way that I need you

The mere idea of your being rekindles a desire so deep that I cannot even fathom to inhale the air that feels heavier because of your absence. I still like to live in the time that was sweetened by your breath. 

I wish I can feel your skin
And I want you
From somewhere within

The thirst for your presence keep on growing. How long can I live in the past, after all!

It feels like there's oceans
Between me and you once again...

The vastness of this physical gap between us is a wound to my soul. But nothing could ever pull us apart in our hearts. To have lived without you is an unimaginable pain..

You know I'd rather drown
Than to go on without you

Because..

It feels like there's oceans

Between you and me..

Inconvenience

The view from my desk is just what I need right now. It's amusing how the whole city fits within the one metre wide frame of my window. This little space contains so many people, going about their lives as usual, having no idea about a person who is sitting atop the high rise tower, wondering what his life would have been if he had never stepped inside the poorly designed lobby of this building. 

Thoughts go awry as I sit here and visualize the possibility of being someone who I should have been. But it becomes slightly inconvenient to depart from the normal. Exactly like my thoughts..

"You are so ungrateful", "So many people would die to be in your position", "Don't take what you have for granted". 

Why do people impose their dreams on you all the time? Do they even wonder that maybe I don't want what they want? That maybe I have different plans? Why is it so easy to judge? 

I haven't had it easy like you think, but because I am not complaining about it all the time, you think I don't value it. Let's clarify something - you and I are different beings. I am not superior or inferior to you, but I am very much different. So, let's leave it at that. I don't intend to please you - at all!

..

Do you still secretly wish to visit the past? 
Does it ever hurt to have left things midway?
Or have I withered away from your thoughts?

Do you still put on a mask and hide the longing?
Does your heart still ache the same?
Or have you already buried me in your memories?

Do you still come and read this?
Does your mind still wander away?
Or have I become a ghost of the past?

New Year, Old Myself

So, a new year has started; not much has changed. I still want to coil up in my blanket and sleep all day. So, I am going back to sleep now.

Of Places and Experiences - Barot

Barot, Himachal Pradesh

If you have heard about Barot in the Mandi district of Himachal Pradesh, well you are well travelled and know your places! This little village is a hidden gem in the beauty that Himachal is. About 50 km away from the amazing Bir, Barot is a quaint haven of beautiful views, Uhl river, and fishing! If you ask the locals for the directions to Barot, they'll cheerfully do so, and will instruct you to definitely try the 'trout'. Barot is a valley village that survives on fishing, aquaculture, and of course the tourism. 

Unlike Bir, Barot is well connected with local buses, and is home to a few hotels, home stays, and even a government guesthouse. Despite the frequent tourists from nearby places (read Punjabis), the place has managed to keep the charm of a quiet isolated village. What one misses in Bir (the water), is made up for by the flowing Uhl river that runs through the entire Barot valley and provides breathtaking views along with the livelihood to the locals i.e. fish farming.