It's All Over...

Finally, it's all over. I have reached the bottom of the abyss that lasted for 2 years. I can't believe that all the sufferings, torture, hard work, and whatnot is brought down to those 15 minutes, when you stand in front of these known faces, and struggle to conclude the journey in the best possible way. You work endlessly over something that you have to present in those fifteen minutes only. Somehow, those fifteen minutes appear extremely short, like someone has fast forwarded the time. But then, you are done with it. The other side will never be happy. and you just nod in agreement to whatever they say. It doesn't matter if you agree with them or not, you just nod, because you are not even listening to them. You have already entered the state of euphoria. After all, it is over! 

Inconsequential Little Things..

Have you ever spent a full night staying awake and thinking about inconsequential little things? You know the feeling when you are stuck with something and find it impossible to move on? Wouldn't you give anything, just to lose that feeling? 

Wait, What?

Somehow, I have had some very interesting conversations with the auto drivers of Delhi. I remember when the auto driver showed concerns over the much talked about rape case in Delhi. I remember when an auto driver, very unabashedly branded the 'modern' women as attention seeking whores. And then, I met this auto driver who very casually branded me as an anti-national. 

When I sat in that auto from Kashmere gate, to go to my place, little did I know what that journey was going to be like. It was around midnight, and I was obviously sleepy and irritated by the 5 hour long bus journey I had just experienced. So, I quietly sat in the auto, and thought about some very important things (things like what I am going to eat, how will I ever finish my thesis, why haven't I watched the latest Suits episode, or when the hell will they air the new season of GoT). Then, suddenly the auto driver started a casual conversation. 

He started with a biased question "What do you study in JNU?". 

I was taken aback, and suddenly it occurred to me - my appearance was very JNU-like, the jhola type sling bag, the unshaven look, the shawl, and dorky glasses. I smiled, realizing what they meant in the news when someone said "They were looking for people who looked like they were from JNU". So, to clear out his doubt, I just said "I don't study in JNU". 

"Oh, so you study in Jamia." he assumed.

I really had no patience to explain to him that I was in Architecture, and at IIT. Since I had asked him to take me to Jamia, I assumed, it was easier for him to make those assumptions. I just simply said "Yes".

"What do you study there?" he asked casually.

"Engineering. Civil", I said, in order to avoid the follow-up questions when I tell someone that I study architecture.

"Oh! Jamia has Engineering also?" he wondered.

I thought Why can't Jamia have Engineering courses? Is it because it's this so-called Muslim institute. Are we supposed to study religion only? Are we not smart enough to be engineers?, but I thought I shouldn't be so judgemental, maybe, he seriously didn't know Jamia had engineering, or Jamia had a college also for that matter, as the area's name is Jamia Nagar, and many people assume it to be just a locality name. So, I said "Yes, it has engineering also. It's pretty good you know", I just added.

"Hmm, so what do you think about what is going on in JNU?" he questioned with a bit of apprehension.

"Umm, well I don't really know. Some student gave a controversial speech I guess. People shouted anti-national slogans. They were booked for sedition" I replied with no interest whatsoever.

"Those bastards. How can they speak against the country, who is paying for their education? Don't they know they are nothing in front of the government?", said the auto driver, with a lot of passion.

I thought 'Really? The country pays for their education? Why the hell am I paying my fees? Why doesn't the country pay my fees too. Damn!', but chose a more reasonable response and told him "You know, it was proved that those videos were doctored, and fake!"

"Fake or not. They must have done something, otherwise why would it become such a big issue?" he said in response.

"Well, I think, studies and politics should not be mixed any how. So, I don't really know if they were fake or real, or whatever, I think this whole thing is gone out of proportion" I said with obvious disinterest.

By now, the auto driver had formed a very serious opinion when he said, "Nothing gives them the right to support a terrorist? Who are they to question the government?"

"I don't think they were supporting any terrorist", I said what I felt.

"Oh, so you think it is okay to speak in favour of a terrorist? You think it is okay to abuse our Prime Minister, for the bastard terrorist? Is this what they teach you at Jamia?" said the driver, with a bit of anger.

I laughed at his last statement. Wow, it is so convenient to form opinions, right?, and I said "Well, I am not sure what Jamia teaches, but now I am clear what stupidity and blind faith teaches you", I faked laughter, and asked him to stop the auto, as I felt more comfortable walking the remaining distance, than getting in a debate with someone having such biased opinions.

No, he didn't call me an anti-national. But then again, I don't think it was needed after he had conveniently assumed that my 'Muslim' institute teaches me anti-national stuff, and because I was a Muslim, I must support terrorism. Honestly, I have never really faced a discrimination or hatred based on my religion ever before, maybe because I don't come across as a typical Muslim. I don't have a long beard, I don't go around shouting that 'my religion is the best', or for that matter dress like a conventional Muslim. But these are just stereotypes I believe. Then again, that ride at late night taught me a lot many things about the current atmosphere in this country, and no, I don't feel unsafe, or threatened or anything, but yes, I do feel that there is a lack of intelligence, and logic, and reason, and well, truth. I am not an expert on either politics or religion. I am not someone with a lot of knowledge, but I do believe that I am qualified enough to speak about such stupidity that has become commonplace in the current scenario. And I refuse to go down and be one of them. I refuse to be judged or biased against, just because I have a difference of opinion. And I certainly don't want to shut my eyes, and believe in everything that media feeds me, or any of those so-called 'leaders' teaches me. I just don't want to.

Ignorance is Bliss..

This sudden turn of events around is so weird and frustrating. The whole country has become this maniac, about things people didn't really care about. Usually, it is a good thing when people start noticing the small little things that are usually avoided. But then, I don't think what is happening around right now, is good, or appreciative in any sense. For, how did your food preferences become the subject of debate? Why does it matter what I choose to eat? Why is it okay to voice your opinion over anything, and then shutting down those who go against them? Why is it not okay to talk about serious issues?

I am not a political person, and for that matter, not religious either. I avoid discussions that revolve around either of the two topics. But, all this fuss about food, politics, nationalism, religion, and justice, has become unavoidable. My social media feed is full of these news. How many people can you unfollow after all? Honestly speaking, I always believed that all this outburst of unnecessary crap was on social media alone, for, I hadn't met a single person in my circle who spoke so strongly against or for something. But then, I was right only until it happened to me.

I am a below average citizen of a country of about 1.2 billion. I don't follow news. I am not aware about the current affairs. But only for so long. My social media accounts make up for the news that I so wishfully avoid. I remember something similar happening few years back, when the entire world was talking about this gruesome rape that had happened in the capital city of India. It had raised so many questions, and ignited some strong debates. But, then again, I believe that was not unnecessary, that was something much needed, that was a constructive outburst. In total contrast of that, what is happening these days, is utter nonsense. 

Few months back, the government announced the beef ban. While I am not in favour of that, I thought 'well, it's okay, any way we are not eating it on a daily basis, or for that matter, eating cow at all'. So, I didn't see anything wrong about it. But then, people went crazy about it. There were people debating this on national news channels, posting strong views on their social media accounts, and whatnot. It was still okay. But, then it was not okay when some people murdered a person because he was 'allegedly' storing beef in his refrigerator. Seriously? I mean, what the hell is wrong with people. Later, it was proved that the meat in the man's refrigerator was not beef, but mutton. Stupid right? First of all, I don't think it is okay to be keeping a tab on what is your neighbour storing in his refrigerator. Secondly, who the hell gives you the right to go on and kill someone for something so insignificant. Even if he was storing beef, I don't think the 'beef ban' gives you any right to kill. If it is anything at all, it is illegal, and for that, jail the person, put him on trial or do whatever is 'legal'. How is it okay to suddenly go and kill someone.

That was the stupidest thing I ever came across. But then, no, it didn't stop there. Suddenly there were news from all over the country. Allegations on people consuming beef. People being assaulted for eating meat. People holding protests, and arranging 'meat eating events' in protest. Seriously, what is wrong with everyone? Their IQ is seriously that low? Not even IQ, were they seriously that dumb? And as always, all this was politicized and got turned into religious debate. Well of course, religion and politics are but one, right? I am someone who intentionally avoids news, because I don't want to be involved in something that stupid. Yeah, maybe I am ignorant, or whatever. But, I seriously don't want to form an opinion on something I have no clue about. I am everything and anything, but I am not political at all. So, even when people blamed one particular political party for all this beef ban and people lynching, I cannot really blame the party. I mean, are people seriously that ignorant to blindly follow some party, and forget reason?

So, this happened, and of course a lot of other things followed, which as always, I ignored. Then, recently there was this incident, where a group of students held an event and apparently shouted slogans against the country. Well, it is stupid to be shouting slogans against your country, of course. So, they were booked for sedition. I didn't even know the meaning of sedition until then, and I didn't really have to look in the dictionary, thanks to social media and unwanted news updates on my feeds, it was all over my FB page. So, I thought, well it's okay, you are not allowed to say anything against the country, so of course you should be imprisoned or tried against. But then, some days later, it was found that the video based on which these students were branded 'anti-national' was doctored and fake. Wow! So much for attention, media channels. Bravo! So, I thought, well okay, it is proved now that the video was fake, so the students will be let go, and everything will go back to normal (despite the fact that 'normal' has ceased to exist), but of course, how could it just stop there. Everyone, and I literally mean EVERYONE was talking about this, and formed such strong views on this. 

The people I spend time with, both in my college, and at home, are more or less neutral on everything. Or, so I thought. My classmates were all super charged, and everyone was posting stuff on their FB, branding those students as anti-nationals, traitors, and whatnot. What I was surprised by is not the fact that they had such strong opinions on something so ridiculous, but I was surprised by the fact that this was coming from people who are 'educated' and study at one of the so-called elite institutes of the country. And this brought back memories of people in my university talking about beef ban and saying stupid things like 'it is a good thing that they killed those meat eaters', and because a lot of people ate beef, or at least some form of meat, they all were neutral. Neutral mind you, not against the ban. So, when these students held a meet to question the 'freedom' in the country, these same people from the most reputed institute of the country, branded them as anti-nationals. Like always, I did not post an opinion on FB, or discussed any of it with anyone. But then, there were people who I spend most of my time with (in college) who gladly posted stuff about the issue, saw videos where people were calling these students a lot of things. They were very happy when these students were insulted on a national news channel. I could only ignore.

So, why am I talking about this now, when I never talked about this before? Well, because despite seeing the people around, I honestly believed that all this is far fetched and made up, and exaggerated. Until, I sat in this auto-rickshaw.

Someday I will..

Hope is a curious thing. It brings to you a world, which you couldn't have otherwise. Hoping against the hope; someday you will live that life you always wanted to live. Not giving a damn. Writing a book somewhere far away from the maddening crowd of the city you live in. Wandering through the snow covered mountains of your beloved land. Or, just lying under the starry sky of the endless desert. Just, be.. Hope, is a curious thing, after all!

I see a white sail

skipping cross a blue bay

and I say Someday I Will

I see a young man

strumming on a green guitar

and I say Someday I Will

It is these little things that reminds you of your dreams. You are suddenly made aware of your existence; you are reminded of all such adventures you wanted to pursue, and there was always that 'some day I will..'

I don't have a plan

It's not that kind of thing

I'm not Martin Luther King

I don't have a dream

It's just sometimes I know

That's the way I'm supposed to go

No, there is no plan. You just always assumed it will happen on its own; life will change its course, and things will fall into the right places. But, no they don't..

I see a flying boat

and I get a lump in my throat

and I say Someday I Will

Someday

It is these little things which bring you closer to yourself. It is this after all, that you wished to be. You have accumulated all these little 'some day I will'-s and somehow you forget about them. Life teaches you that all your silly little plans were immature, and foolish. But then again, you know they were not! No, they certainly were not. It is those small things that you have collected, and it is your wish if you want to throw them away, or make them the 'looking forward to..' goals. Because, you have to believe it from within.. that.. 'someday I will..'

So whatever thrills you

Anything you love to do

Just say someday I will

Don't need to know who

May help you make it come true

Just say someday I will

Because you know what! Life takes its own course, but you do have the power to change. So, take that leap of faith, and change the way life itself is. Instead of waiting for life to take you somewhere, try to take life somewhere; somewhere where there is hope, a place you have been creating in your head for all these years... 

Don't have to work it all out

Don't have to tear it all apart

All you need's a place to start

And if it never worked before

Try it just once more

That's what your heart if for

Just, try! Because, hope is a curious thing after all!

What is Normal?

I remember meeting you in a life that was fair, and happy. Oh! I remember that. All that happiness, and the lack of efforts. What happened to all of that? Why has it become so difficult to look you in the eye, and tell you, everything there is not, to life without you! Why can we not stand this eerie silence anymore? I remember how words were not needed back then. I remember the happiness that came with every time my eye blinked, looking at you. It all seems like a long distant past, but somehow it's still a part of my present. While you're not..

Happiness has become such an elusive term now, what with the ever increasing pressure to pretend to be okay and happy. It is almost impossible to be unhappy in this perfect little setup, where, all these questions hover around and tear you apart. I remember being that, and was still okay with it. Why is it that I can no longer be glum, without having a tinge of pretense to it. And then there is this happiness, which is almost alien to everyone now. Nothing makes anyone happy. It's as if we fear it; we are scared that happiness is a torment in disguise. Where did the normalcy disappear? 

But then again, what is normal? To you, it's you; to me, it's me. We all live in a world that is not normal. Then how exactly are you? You cannot question my inability to detach myself with what is gone. I cannot question your saying there never was a past. We are but a part of the same page, only our books are different!

And I do remember it all.. Oh! I remember everything.

You think by now, you'll get used to it. You wouldn't be affected by any of it. But it's been more than a long time, and yet here you are...

The future belongs to you, don't let someone else be your past.

A Year That Was.

A year that was. A lot of it has changed in just one year. Suddenly, there is this new feeling to start afresh, a feeling which is unknown. I am not sure where is it going to take me, but I know it's not a happy feeling for sure!

Sometimes it's okay to be forgetful and forgiving. You can't keep clinging to the past that was. 

You are Your Own Refuge..

“You are your own refuge
There is no other
You cannot save another
You can only save yourself.” 

 

This is what keeps me going these days. I think I gave up on everyone else a long ago, but then giving up on myself is not something I can do easily. It is this continuous journey where I fall and rise and fall and rise again, broken a little after each fall but the process of mending myself is a long and endless one. 

For I know someday the gap will be filled!

Reality Check.

The grass is always greener on the other side. It's such a cliché, and nothing is truer. They all think they know you, they don't judge you but they 'think' they know you. It does not matter, for they do not know what you know, and it won't matter till the time you are okay with what you believe... They will tell you how you get things easy, and you will just nod in agreement, even though you don't. This was supposed to be a happy place. Colleges are meant to be fun. No more, I think.

I hate this place. Hate is a very strong word and I try to avoid it as much as I can, but this is the only word which does any little justice to what I feel for this place. It is much beyond hatred, but nobody else will get that, for they think they know you well. Life has become this 'idea'. The idea that is so mundane and recurring. I count my days here, and somehow the time keeps expanding with each count. Two months go by and I haven't been able to log on and write a blog post. I think this says a lot. It wasn't meant to be this bad, but then it is...

There's so much going on and I feel like continuing to keep rambling on and on forever but this place.. I cannot perhaps keep blaming it on the place, but then the apparent depression that this place has brought is not something I have accustomed myself with. 

It wasn't supposed to be so meaningless, and yet here I am, trying to escape the reality. 

Ramblings...

The last speck of hope awakened, as he saw her name on the mobile screen. It was just a "Hello!" and for some reason everything from the past came to life in that moment. His friends had told him that he hadn't tried hard enough last time, but none of them knew how hard he had tried. They knew him, but he knew her.. and that is all that made the difference. But, her message rekindled the idea of trying 'harder' and he thought he would try again, but the night passed and the morning came with new uncertainties and new doubts, adding more to his already torn attempts of being at ease with what had already happened.

I sit scrolling down things that I don't want to read, things I don't want to see, but I just want to scroll up and down to nothing! I have started to feel.. shallow I believe, or something close to that. Suicidal tendencies I can never develop. I am too coward to take my own life.

Nothings..

This could have been the last. But then it's not..

And then, right where I started from. I think I have travelled this path before..

 The sudden urge to quit.

The hopelessness and despair.

The love. The loathe. 

All of it. 

None of it..

Now this is a feeling I know too well. And of course, it had to happen.

I have reached a place where I don't feel like questioning anything. I like to believe that I already have the answers. I am not sure if this is how I would want to march ahead, but then how else to live, I think I have forgotten.

I don't want to pretend that everything is fine, and I cannot.

I don't want to... 

There are suddenly a lot of dont's  and cant's and wonts and nots and nos and nothings... Such a known feeling!

This is a New Feeling!

This is a new feeling.

One of the those days when you just feel happy, and for no reason! There have been a lot of such days recently, which is refreshingly surprising for someone who is able to find faults even in perfection. It is strangely relieving to not know the reasons of your happiness, for if you knew them, you'd probably find ways to kill them. It is pleasing to your existence to have such days when you need them, it satiates your desires of being normal and elated. And how!

This is a new feeling..

What better place to be, than here... here in her lap. You could stay there forever; somehow this makes you forget all your worries. She is the reason you exist, she is the reason you want to! Her gap-toothed smile is all you ever wanted in life. For you, she is what utopia is! 

Her innocence is infectious. Her love for you is limitless. It is strange how you have never thanked her enough, a quality you get from your genes. You can't even express your gratitude in any form, even if you tried. 

She will always remain the first friend you had. Nothing and no one can replace her, for she is what defines your life, and you shall always be her little one! Because, your mother is why you are sane and existing! 

To the best person on Earth... 

All the love I have.

You Are All I Want..

I am surrounded by so many people, I am a part of the illusive crowd, and yet you are all I want!

The heavy metal plays in the background, people are yelling with excitement, they give me confused glances, but, you are all I want...

The scintillating beams light up the whole space, this place looks unusual, and I am just reminded of a night years ago, because, you are all I want...

You have found a way to sneak in every moment I spend here, even when you are several miles away, and now I know... you are all I want!

Oh! I Wish..

What is it that gives life to every moment of yours? What is it that define you?

That sudden desperation to quit!

That little hope to hold on!

The frustration building up!

I wish I knew. I wish I could control.. all this! But I cannot, and no matter how hard I try, I will end up hurting myself even more. Selfishness isn't something I was fond of, ever in my life. But then, what better reasons to live for, than to live for yourself. 

I wish I knew.. I wish I had the answers to all the questions you ask. I wish I had the reasons for the answers I have. I wish...

To.. The One!

So, she is the one person I cannot imagine to live without. They question us often, if we are in love... and I just cannot put it in words, and so I just smile! Yes, I do love her.. for she is the one person who can always manage to put my uneasiness to rest, when I need that calmness the most. She is the one who I can count on, no matter what time, no matter how! She is the one who doesn't have to do anything to make me laugh with all my heart. She is the one who knows it exactly how to be that perfect friend! I think this is what love is then, but it is just wrong to tag this super amazing relationship with a word that the world so fondly has cheapen up. After all, she is that somebody who I cannot imagine to live without...

It is her ability to put everything in such casual manner, that I love... It is her weirdly amazing energy that I love... It is her charm that I love... It is her.. that I love..

I have fallen short of words to put so much in such a small space, and yet I know that you know without me having to pen down everything.. exactly what it is that I have to say..

Here's wishing the bestest person on Earth.. a very very Happy Birthday. A friend that is even above perfection.. 

To the most amazing person I know...

*love*

Because, that's all I have, for you...

Chance Meetings..

"How much more time will it take to reach Kashmere Gate?", she just asked without any 'Excuse me!' or anything. 

"Fifteen more minutes", I politely answered and resumed to typing messages. 

"My phone's battery is going to be out in a few minutes, it's worrying me...", she explained like we were already having a long conversation that I was completely unaware of. 

You meet strangle people at strange places. I felt a little awkward for some reason, but then it was just another experience I thought. I offered her my power bank so she could charge her phone for some time till we reached the bus stand. That was about it all, and she continued talking for the rest of the way. By the end of the bus journey, I knew about her family, her college, her favourite food, and her plans for the next day. It was just totally bizarre. I am not used to meeting such over friendly people, and especially a girl, that too in a public bus. I just politely nodded at everything she shared, added bits of 'yes-es' and 'no-s' here and there, so I wouldn't come up like an egotist brat. 

That twenty minute long conversation led to me waiting with her at the bus stand, until her brother in law came to pick her up. I think it was just my quest for new experiences that turned the otherwise drab journey into something I hadn't expected.

After all, you meet strange people at strange places...