Misery makes a fresh start..

A few years ago if someone had asked me what is the most difficult thing I've had to do, I'd have probably said something about redoing my undergraduate design thesis after a major data loss, or doing that 8 km trek with a broken back or probably something to do with fasting in hot summer days. But I don't think any of these things even compare to what I'm being asked to do now - i.e. do nothing! Surprisingly, doing nothing should be easy, it should be the easiest thing right? But, here's the catch - doing nothing at a time when you see someone you love the most - suffering and slowly deteriorating in front of your eyes, that's the most difficult thing. 

You'd move mountains if that could help her, you'd gladly exchange your life with hers at this moment if that was possible and perhaps you'd willingly give everything there is to give, if that could make things better for her, but you are asked to do the most difficult thing - to wait! I usually take pride in my ability to be patient in times when most of the people would just go nuts, but right now I find it painful, almost physically, to just sit and do nothing. People come and tell you that she'll get better and waiting is all we can do, and you want to believe them and be strong, but it's achingly challenging to even sit and pray for her recovery. These are the times when you gather every ounce of optimism and believe that she has to get better; she must! I want to be selfish and want her to get better for me, because I don't have the courage to think otherwise.

2020. A year that many argue that has been the worst possible year. Even though I don't completely agree or side with this viewpoint, but I think something did change within me this year, and agreeably it is not a happy change. It's nothing new to me - change, I have been somebody who felt changed and then push myself back to my original self even if it took a hell lot of work. But now I suddenly find it impossible to go back to what I used to be. 

Mothers. They are the most selfless people, who without having asked to, will give their everything in exchange of their kids' happiness. But do we, as kids, deserve this kind of love? 

Adios!

So, this is how it ends!

Adios.

As it turns out, all the clichés ever are true!

Life sucks and then you die!

Fin.

A Ride to Remember

I started today with a rather grumpy mood. I felt restless and angry as I set foot outside the home to leave for office. It is not unusual in any sense - I have had such bad starts to bad days quite often. So, what was different today? Nothing. Just another day of not wanting to go to office.

But then something changed. Like every day of running late for office, I decided to take a cab to work. As if that'd have helped! And like every other day, Uber decided to be a bitch with its surge pricing! Half-heartedly, I still chose Uber Pool over the Metro ride, which would have undoubtedly made me reach in time. But I am glad I did!

That uber ride is why I decided to come online today and write a blog post after ages. 

What was unusual about this ride was that the first time in the million year long history of my Uber-ing to work and other places, this was the first time I got a female driver. It wasn't surprising in an "Oh! I didn't know Uber had female drivers also!" way but like I said, unusual. Even though there is nothing misplaced about a female driving an Uber, but it did cheer me up for some reason. This was a 23-24 year old girl Pooja who lightened my mood. Pooja was everything that any of my usual Uber drivers are - grumpy about Pool rides, unhappy with Uber incentives, and of course not cheerful about driving in Jamia. This is going to be another rides that I am gonna write a blog post about, I thought to myself.

Pooja doesn't have a sad story behind choosing to be an Uber driver. She doesn't have an alcoholic father who spends all his money in drinking, or an angry young brother who beats up his wife and mother. Her father runs a small shop in some village of Delhi. Her brother studies in college, while she chose to earn for the heck of it. She is every bit of a common person as anyone who walks around this cosmopolitan city that is Delhi. She drives because this is what she thinks she is best at. She can't imagine herself doing an office job as in her words "I will never reach office on time" and wouldn't like her salary being deducted for a half day. She complains about Uber pool rides because we all know how fucked up their system is! She is as normal as it gets. But if you check out her reviews (or comments or whatever) on her Uber profile, you'll find people praising her for being a woman and a driver along with it. People think it is very brave of her to be doing this. I am not sure if it's brave or a 'new' but it definitely is refreshing. Pooja is as good a driver as you need to be a good Uber driver, and she is rather good at it. She puts all those "women can't drive" remarks to rest! 

During an hour long ride (thanks to all the fucked up ways that Uber pool works), she told me how she thinks relatives are assholes because they take advantage of you and won't return your car even after a week! She showed her anger on Uber because they make you drive around the entire city of Delhi with their fucked up algorithms that decide the route and pick-ups in an Uber pool ride. There was nothing new about these complaints coming from an uber driver, because I have listened to them many many times before. It was however refreshing to have a high spirited girl drive you around the city and setting a new normal. 

The Unconditional* Love

Unfettered love.

This is what people really mean (or at least should mean) when they praise “unconditional love.” 

Love that is unfettered—and enduring. Not unconditional.

Because in order for any love to thrive in a healthy way, certain agreements with regards to mutual respect and beneficial behavior must be embraced, thereby making that love *conditional* on honoring that sacred trust.

A love that comes with honorable conditions is like having a relationship that comes with healthy boundaries. No love or relationship can thrive properly without them. Otherwise the relationship is bound to be toxic and harmful.

So yes, unfettered love—and enduring love—let’s embrace that. 

Unfettered means you give your loved one permission to be free…

Free to embrace who they are deep inside.

Free to do what they genuinely believe is best for their life and soul.

With no emotional chains, shackles, or nooses that stunt their personal or spiritual growth.

With no fetters aimed at manipulating them into being who *you* want (or demand) them to be.

But “unconditional love”? Nah. 

God, protect us.

Too much emotional manipulation and spiritual abuse occurs when we are led to believe we must (or should) “unconditionally” love someone—or that someone must “unconditionally” love us—with no conditions at all in how that relationship should look or feel to us. With no boundaries in what we should or should not accept from the one we imagine unconditionally loves us.

Love yourself enough to see honorable *conditions* as not only a good thing, but also a necessary part of any relationship—and as the very essence of true love. 

Conditions and boundaries are your right. Don’t let anyone tell you different, no matter how praiseworthy and honorable they paint “unconditional love” to be.

When love is an action word—as true love always is—then there must be *conditions* of respect, compassion, and genuine support of each other’s emotional and spiritual health. There must be the *condition* of genuinely embracing your loved one’s freedom to exist as a whole person outside of and separate from you. 

And there must be the *condition* of sincerely and humbly unfettering your loved one from the shackles of what you imagine they owe you…just because God was gracious enough to gift them to you during your brief sojourns on earth.

So embrace the beautiful side of conditional love:

Unfettered and enduring love.

God-willing, it will set you free.

The worst thing you can do to a person is to make him feel useless. 

Something Changed Today..

Until very recently, I truly believed that 'writing' was my calling, like I was meant to be a writer and just miraculously screwed my career. But today I realised that I don't write; I vent out, like a 10 year old wimpy kid whose complaints are not being listened to. That's what I am, just a pretentious writer. Well this explains the pattern in all my last blogs (minus a few) which are just a sob story of my life. Well, this isn't a blog, this is my journal which is meant to write all the sad little things! Also, this explains why I haven't been able to finish all those countless half written stories. I wasn't meant to be anyone, and specially not a writer.

Something changed today. There was that moment when it suddenly dawned upon me that I no longer like my own company - something I used to brag about. I don't like being alone. I need people to surround me and distract me from everything that is going around me. Yes, I don't want to be the centre for attention certainly, but I don't like to be left out either. It feels like suddenly a loose shallow facade has come off of me, like all these years I was pretending to like being alone, and now it just can't seem to continue.

Today brought back so many memories that I never wanted to re-live. There was that familiar door that blocked me from someone I love the most in the world. There was that wait that kept on expanding like a spell had frozen the time. Above all, there was that nausea all over again that I dreaded when it happened last time, and now more than ever. I know that this time is different - much different than the last, but this was as bad as the last time, if not worse. Somewhere deep down  I know that she'll get better, that she IS getting better, but that didn't stop the same horrid feelings to strike again. It is not only difficult to control those dreary thoughts to take over, but just out of my human capacity as well. I can't imagine going through the same thing all over again. I can't imagine failing as a son all over again. Above all, I can't imagine losing that one person who I love more than anything and anyone in this entire universe.

Another dreadful thing that struck me today was that I need to learn to overcome my social anxiety. It isn't something casual, it's not like what people think - that I am too full of myself to take note of others around me. In a social situation when I am anxious and afraid of going up to people and starting a conversation, it isn't of much significance. However, today when I had to muster up all my inner strength to go up to the doctor and discuss something which couldn't have been avoided, it hit hard. People including my close ones actually think that I am making up excuses to avoid doing something on my own and want them to do for me, because well, I am too full of myself. But this really needs to be said - I genuinely want to be confident and move past this nonsensical fear of mine.

As much as I wish I didn't had to face the occurrences of today, I think it took reality and threw it across my face to have to realise what a lie I had been living!

Happiness and Life..

It's funny how a little gesture like a phone call from her makes you want to get back to writing blog posts. I would always be in awe of how she manages to just cheer me up in all these years that I have lived. Sometimes she'd just say something innocent and it makes my day, sometimes she'd just laugh hysterically over my silly habits and my life seems complete. 

I think this is what life has become. Happiness in all these little things - those meaningless phone calls, senseless jokes, and everything that comes with it. 

Walking on Thin Ice

Do you also find it strange to be taking those first steps all over again? It is so much effort to be doing this - trying to mend things, but I am hoping it's worth the work. To get to know you all over again, is like revisiting things of the past that I had strangely overlooked. It is indeed a strange feeling, but there is no doubt about me really 'wanting' to do this. I know for a fact that I wouldn't be doing this for anyone else in the world, but for you, it feels like a natural instinct. It surprises even myself how patient and restrained I have become. I am constantly waiting for that notification on my phone, and hoping it's you. I fight the urge to just randomly text you telling you that I truly love you. There, I said it, I don't think I'll find a less cheesy way to put this in words. But, I also know that you are coming out of a bad phase, and I don't want to screw up, again! So, I'll patiently wait for a time when you are more welcoming and open to the idea that second chances can sometimes do wonders. 

I am also scared that this all will go away in a whiff, like I'd suddenly wake up from a wonderful dream. It frightens me that I might do or say something which'll set you off, and I might not be able to get a second chance at all. I am scared, but I am also hopeful. Hopeful that things will get better. I am not known to be optimistic about anything, but this, this is something I am extremely positive about. It may well be because I am too scared to lose you and hope is the only thing that keeps me sane. It is like walking on thin ice - I am not sure which step will be my doom, but I am so hopeful that we get through this and find each other on solid ground. I have no other way to put this, but you'll always be everything I want. Always!

ماضی ، حال ، مستقبل

ماضی کی چند باتوں نے یوں اک احساس سا جگا دیا جیسے اسی لمحے كے لیے اپنی زندگی بتائی ہو . لیکن موجودہ حالات کچھ اور ہی بیان کرتے ہیں . مانو آج ہی شروعات ہوئی ہو ، ماضی کا وجود ہی جیسے ختم ہو گیا ہو . جانتا ہوں كے ان حالات کا قصور وار میں خود ہی ہوں ، لیکن خود کا ہی دِل گوارہ نہیں کرتا یہ شکست حال . کاش میرے بس میں ہوتا ماضی کو مستقبل کرنا .

29th

It's such a bittersweet thing to be growing old. You gain a year and you lose one. 29 is exactly like being 21 when you feel sad to have entered the 20s.. and 29 when you are almost 30 and haven't achieved a single thing. 

Oceans

..And nothing comes close
To the way that I need you

The mere idea of your being rekindles a desire so deep that I cannot even fathom to inhale the air that feels heavier because of your absence. I still like to live in the time that was sweetened by your breath. 

I wish I can feel your skin
And I want you
From somewhere within

The thirst for your presence keep on growing. How long can I live in the past, after all!

It feels like there's oceans
Between me and you once again...

The vastness of this physical gap between us is a wound to my soul. But nothing could ever pull us apart in our hearts. To have lived without you is an unimaginable pain..

You know I'd rather drown
Than to go on without you

Because..

It feels like there's oceans

Between you and me..

Inconvenience

The view from my desk is just what I need right now. It's amusing how the whole city fits within the one metre wide frame of my window. This little space contains so many people, going about their lives as usual, having no idea about a person who is sitting atop the high rise tower, wondering what his life would have been if he had never stepped inside the poorly designed lobby of this building. 

Thoughts go awry as I sit here and visualize the possibility of being someone who I should have been. But it becomes slightly inconvenient to depart from the normal. Exactly like my thoughts..

"You are so ungrateful", "So many people would die to be in your position", "Don't take what you have for granted". 

Why do people impose their dreams on you all the time? Do they even wonder that maybe I don't want what they want? That maybe I have different plans? Why is it so easy to judge? 

I haven't had it easy like you think, but because I am not complaining about it all the time, you think I don't value it. Let's clarify something - you and I are different beings. I am not superior or inferior to you, but I am very much different. So, let's leave it at that. I don't intend to please you - at all!

..

Do you still secretly wish to visit the past? 
Does it ever hurt to have left things midway?
Or have I withered away from your thoughts?

Do you still put on a mask and hide the longing?
Does your heart still ache the same?
Or have you already buried me in your memories?

Do you still come and read this?
Does your mind still wander away?
Or have I become a ghost of the past?

New Year, Old Myself

So, a new year has started; not much has changed. I still want to coil up in my blanket and sleep all day. So, I am going back to sleep now.

Of Places and Experiences - Barot

Barot, Himachal Pradesh

If you have heard about Barot in the Mandi district of Himachal Pradesh, well you are well travelled and know your places! This little village is a hidden gem in the beauty that Himachal is. About 50 km away from the amazing Bir, Barot is a quaint haven of beautiful views, Uhl river, and fishing! If you ask the locals for the directions to Barot, they'll cheerfully do so, and will instruct you to definitely try the 'trout'. Barot is a valley village that survives on fishing, aquaculture, and of course the tourism. 

Unlike Bir, Barot is well connected with local buses, and is home to a few hotels, home stays, and even a government guesthouse. Despite the frequent tourists from nearby places (read Punjabis), the place has managed to keep the charm of a quiet isolated village. What one misses in Bir (the water), is made up for by the flowing Uhl river that runs through the entire Barot valley and provides breathtaking views along with the livelihood to the locals i.e. fish farming.