For, There Were Better Times I Have Known...

Everything in life is so dynamic, nothing is a fix! People often tell me that time changes everything. I have seen some of these changes happening around me, within me. But, I have always pretended to be unaffected, by the change, the alterations. Yet, there are some times harder than that, when you find it difficult to overlook things, finding it impossible to adjust with the needed adjustments. How do you live with it? How do you solve such things? Is there even a solution? Are there any answers? You are bound to live on, with or without these answers, for time never halts for anyone, life moves on!

There are moments when you find yourself alone in the crowd; for, everyone around means nothing to you, you mean nothing to anyone! It is not a feeling too joyous; yet, there are things worse than that. When it's not a crowd, when the crowd means a lot to you and yet you mean nothing to them; you've a million friends but are friend to none! It feels awkward, it feels painful, knowing things weren't the same earlier, there were better times. It's hard to adjust with the change, and such is a change you hated! 

A friend might never turn a foe, but a friend turning a stranger is no better!

The Perfect Week!

The silence isn't so bad 

Till I look at my hands and feel sad

Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

There are moments when minutest of the minute things remind you of something, someone. The classroom you love only because she was there once. 
Guava juice that you sip daily, for it tastes like your past with her. 
The small bed in your living room where you had shared your sleep. 

It's like giving the world a new perspective. Giving new meaning to things, moments and the time.

It was your perfect week. Those seven days were the best you had.
There has been many joyous occasions, merry days, lovely moments but the whole life means nothing in front of those 7 days. Nothing equals them.


You still sometimes close your eyes just to have those moments back. The first glimpse of her; nothing can match it. Desires; getting what you desired once. Present; knowing things won't be the same again, for you have lived the best times and not any day is going to be the same again. Such things aren't forever!
You'll have to do without them. Such is life!

Renewal!

Walking down the memory lane!

I have often wondered 'what if they are the bitter of the bitter-sweet memories?'

It's like I've been here before, I've traveled this road before, it's not deja vu,  but a feeling of having been through the same phase earlier. You already know how it feels to be there,  you had come out of it earlier and yet, there is no way you know now to end it. Every time you reach here, it feels different, it feels new. It feels sweet, sometimes. Pain!


You tell the whole world and still feeling unheard. Feeling lonely, not alone! Experiencing pain, not hurt! This is like not having somebody to comfort you, for those million friends you have are just them, friends, but comforter is a level higher, a level lower maybe, but a different level!

Deep within, you know this is going to pass yet again, but nothing soothes you, for life is not about being satisfied, it's rather about finding a new thing every now and then to complicate it even more! Such is Life!

Shit Happens...

I don't have enough words to frame it down.
I don't even want to.
All I know is...
 
Shit happens... Flush it!

Bonds And Beyond

Life is a complicated process that goes on complicating even more with time. Wouldn't you just want to un-complicate it a little bit?

That's where your friends step in.

I have been very particular about the circle of friends that I've always had, in all the phases of my life that have gone from bitter to better to today, when almost everything around me revolves around the very few ones I have. It's been an adventurous journey since the school times, where I didn't had to pick and choose friends from the foes, for, everyone around was a friend; the only distinction needed to be made was, who the best is! To today, where I am left with a world full of people, new ones being added daily, but I stand smiling only with those chosen few. 

I have often wondered and pitied those who complain about having no friends. Pity! For, not surprisingly, I have seen the phase too, where the only ones wishing on my birthdays were my family, and sometimes, not even them! Life surely hasn't been wonderful all the way, but how could it have been? Change! The debatable subject that has answered many of my question in those times.

Change, even though it might have been, but there still remain things questionable. 

Answers to them don't exist yet!

Certain things still soothes me up, including the very existence of many people who're contributing in adding any little joy whatsoever, to my life. Friends, they are. 

The past 3 years had been amazing, for everything that has happened or changed in these times. There had been times too harsh, times too joyous, and some times just confused. But, what has remained constant, unchanged, are the people standing by me. They have made me laugh, they have laughed with me, laughed at me... and at other times, cried with me, or lent me their shoulder if they felt too strong to shed a tear. 

But, certain people have helped me share much more than the joy or the laughter or those tears. The bond has been stronger than plain friendship, it's been something beyond relationships. It was exactly 5 years back, when I had met this beautiful person. Back then, I had not thought of anything what we've been through together in these last five years. It has been a journey far more amazing than any other. Expressions go beyond words, for, something so simple can't frame down what I hold down in my memory.

Yet, doesn't she deserve to know that she has been one of the most beautiful and cherished part of my existence? Expressing through actions is not my forte, and words I don't have. For, how do I map my memories down through alphabets!

High time it is, for, I haven't paid the debts to whatever she has contributed in making my life worthwhile. I have messed up things beyond repair time and again, and yet, we have stayed together with these cracks in between.

A series of questions.

A nil of answers.

Did something change, or I live in delusion?

Haven't we been this same since forever?

Or, did I muddle up things once more?

Where are the days, when we had smiled together?

Why do I feel so changed?

Or, am I just thinking too deep?

Why can't I recall the best times we had?

Did we even had any?

Or, I overlooked the obvious again?

Was there a better phase earlier?

Has it been like this from the beginning?

Or, am I missing something vital?

Is it the change that occurred?

Is it the change I brought?

Or, is it just me?

A series of question marks

No sight of a full stop

Am I looking for the unanswerable?

Have you given the answers already?

Or, is this the dream I haven't been through?

It hasn't been this; it's a thought in advance.

A reminder to fill up the voids left ignored

Before our lives take a turn towards the other road!

To this day, and forever. May there are many more 5 years to our bond.

Though, words do fall short, but that's all I have.

With words I play, to replace that else wise I can't say!

BREAKing Free!

When you feel lifeless, the moment you're dead of all the dull things happening around, don't you just want to end it up once and for all? And then, the phone rings...

Saturdays are usually when I sleep the whole day, but this Saturday wasn't something I'd have waited for to sleep, because I already had been sleeping a lot on the non - Saturdays as well, for, it's the Commonwealth Games break! I don't think I know of any living being who was waiting for the "games" so eagerly, it was the government's announcement of shutting down all the colleges and schools and workplaces during this interval, that had rejoiced the many people. I, being no exception.

How desperately I had waited for this break, not because I had any plans, but, I wanted to make one. This Saturday night was special in terms of my mood, I was unusually happy for some reason unknown to even myself, and then a friend called up. 

They had been making this plan for some time now, and I had no idea whatsoever! This kinda turned me off, but then, who cared, I was getting the much awaited break. The caller had told me our plans of hitting the mountains this vacation, and much more cheerful was the spontaneity of this plan, for, it executed the next day!

I had suddenly started feeling excited, this surely had made up my mood which was otherwise quite dull and dead. I had it all in my mind, of what the break was going to be like, and all I needed was to get home fast and start packing, but somehow the night was getting longer and at 1, I was still not home! 

The adrenaline rush, the excitement and of course the joy of getting what you so much wanted; a break! It all accounted for the 90 kph that my bike's speedometer had touched, which otherwise never crossed beyond 60-70 when I feel normal. But, normal I was not today, for, this break was something I badly needed and somewhere I had given up the hopes of materializing the same. 

When you realize tomorrow is going to be a better day, you are ready to wait forever! I packed up my bag and slept in peace, for, I knew what my dreams were going to be.

The Beginning 

Sunday, Oct 3, 2010 

The four of us had boarded the train just in time. Having been taken our seats, our mood all set, we waited eagerly for the train to buzz up to life and take us where we were headed.

Moonis was all excited about this unplanned trip, because like me, he also had not expected things to be executed in real.

Salman felt proud, for, he knew it was because of him being permitted to go, that this plan was actually being materialized.

Arshad, what on Earth could probably affect him? I thought.  

And, as for me, when do I not laugh? 

The fact that this trip was really unplanned, spontaneous and desired, made it all the more fun. Plans never succeed. I had always believed. So now that we had successfully boarded a train to Chandigarh, one thing I knew for sure, the trip had started.

There was not much of a memory attached to Chandigarh, considering that I had been to this place before and surprisingly had enjoyed being there. But, when the train finally halted at the neat and clean station, it brought a feeling of nostalgia to me, it felt like a good start.

People had always told me wise things about this place, how clean it was and how organized it was, while I had always this image of it being a boring and a dull city. They were no preconceived notions, the bus journey from the railway station to the bus  station had proved me right. How could people live in a place where all the buildings looked exactly the same, and still not get bored? I thought to myself, but, there's no place like home, my brain had answered its own query. Smart brains I have!

The bus station looked very much like the ones we have in Delhi, but way more cleaner. One point scored. The reason of coming to this bus station was that a part of our unplanned trip was planned and that being, traveling to Dharamshala in a bus from Chandigarh, and we had just reached in time as the next bus had to leave in less than half hour. Yet, feeding the hungry tummy is more important, we could take the next bus that was due for more than two hours, for all we cared. So, instead of resting our bums inside the bus, we instead went up to the cafeteria to be fed in some fuel before the 8 hours bus journey ahead of us.

A cafeteria at a bus station, my expectations weren't high for I had seen the cafeterias at the bus stations of Delhi and other places. But, this one was an exception. Clean, organized and yet affordable. Scores the second point.

It was not the first time that the four of us were eating out, but the fact that we were miles away from our homes, and the not so strange fact that my family knew nothing of it, made it all a bit extra special. 

Dharamshala as I had heard only, was a nice hill station and held one of the quite famous cricket stadiums in India. All of this, and more, was just 8 hours away. Surprisingly, we had taken less than half an hour to finish up the amazing food and had made up in time to take the 9 p.m. bus to the hill station.

I was excited and amazed on being out on a road trip with friends for a very rare second time. I couldn't wait to see what Dharamshala was about. And as I suppose, the Haryana Roadways bus driver was more eager than me.

The bus journey which was supposedly 8 hours long, had been wrapped up in just 6 hours, thanks to the amazing driver we had, who didn't let any of us sleep for more than a minute and had brought us all the way from Chandigarh to Dharamshala in mere 6 hours even when the road was bumpy and hilly and quite risky.

The Start

Monday Oct 4, 2010 

3.30 A.M.

The bus driver had brought us before time, which I'd have thanked him for, had it been a better time. But, early morning at 3 isn't a nice time to search for a hotel to stay in, as the time that we spent roaming around on the streets had just proved.

The sleep that was killing my excitement of having being reached, and the uphill slope that made it hard to walk any further, were factors enough that we had settled in for that pathetic room in the basement of a hotel that read "Swagath" 

The room was horrible, the washroom was pathetic; the only thing that helped us sleep in the same room were the heavy eyes that we all shared.

Turning off the lights, and the bad thoughts, we slept away the early morning. 

It's a part of this unique experience. We all knew.

And The Rest Of It

Oct 4 - Oct 7, 2010 

The First View!

The day had begun only when half the day had passed. We all woke up late, tired after the bumpy journey and the lazy walks. 

A part of our trip was randomness. So, knowing that we knew nothing of what was to come, we all set out to check out what was in store for us. Through some sources, we came to know of some Kangra Art Museum, Espresso Bar, and of course the stadium. But, through the same source we had known the hotels would be cheaper! Wrong information.

Knowing no directions, having no plan, holding no aim, we stepped out in a soft sunny day. And thankfully, unlike the places I had been to earlier, this place understood our language! So, getting the directions was not much of a task.

I didn't know what the Kangra Art Museum held inside, and visiting it didn't much help me in knowing, for, it had chosen a Monday to be a weekly off day. Damn! 

What stops an aimless being, when he knows nothing's gonna alter his ways, for, he has no predefined course. The closed museum didn't much affect us, and gave us a point to sit down and get clicked. 

 ___

Cricket is not something I'm really fond of, but the hype that was created around the newly built stadium in Dharamshala had made me agree to visit it when we were here. The road to the stadium was really comforting, because it was downhill (obviously I wasn't thinking of coming back) and plus, it had our favorite Maggi along with our not so favorite frappe on the road. 

People in Himachal Pradesh are quite welcoming and warm, so finding out the directions wasn't tough as we had reached very close to the stadium based on the directions that the people gave us. The road to the stadium was interesting and it became more as we walked more; it was a university campus lined up with a police colony and an amazing police stadium. The stadium was holding down some inter school competition and so we could see colors racing in the field with a backdrop of the soaring mountains. Amazing! 

Now that we had almost reached the cricket stadium, the excitement was building up. The red pyramid like structures were coming in the view gradually and here we were, with a soccer game going on us just next to what we were looking for, the stadium!

Walking along the boundary wall of the stadium took us to the main gate via an interesting route with wire mesh and bulky rocks hindering us slow. But, the efforts weren't made in vain!

When the stadium came in its full view ahead of us, what must be inside then!, we all thought. The structure from outside looked magnanimous, built in complete traditional style with another modern structure next to it, but quite obviously, the focus was this!

Living in Delhi had surely taught me one thing about security, that ever damned thing on Earth built in the capital city needed to be secured badly. So, when I stood facing this enormous structure in front of me, one thing I was sure of, we won't be allowed inside. And, for the first time in my life, I was relieved to be proven wrong! 

Though, I have always abhorred the game, but looking at the cricket stadium of such grandeur surely took off all that was disliked. The view inside the stadium was amazing, with mountains peeping into the vast green ground from all the sides. I felt like jumping in and playing, feeling amazed by my own reaction!

The stadium in Heaven!

I have been to stadiums before and to some famous ones, for that matter like the Edens, Kotla or Chinnaswamy, but nothing matches with what the Dharamshala cricket stadium held inside. Once you're in it, it's hard to not admire the beauty of the place. 

Time changes everything, and now that the passage of time had turned the evening to an almost night, it was time to move ahead, leaving behind the astonishing beauty of the stadium. 

Espresso Bar is a place known for two things; the swimming pool and the coffee! The weather that was unusually cold for the visitors from a hot place like Delhi, plus the time 8 pm was not an ideal time to jump in the pool and have fun, that too for people who knew too less about swimming.

The water being not too deep, and the once in a lifetime opportunity of jumping in a pool in Dharamshala at night, pushed our already made up minds to think not, and jump ahead!

I have always needed an incentive to push me towards learning how to swim, and I had successfully kicked off the many that I got. This was one more time when I realized high time, I should know how to swim! Nonetheless, the fact that none of us knew swimming and Salman being the hero for knowing the little bit of swimming, helped me not being embarrassed. 

You should have a taste of everything, and jumping in a pool with chilling water is yummier than I had imagined. The trip was turning more adventurous than I had thought, and I was definitely loving every bit of it. 

Post the chilling dip in the pool, a hot cup of coffee is all you need!

Certainly, I had not known what was coming the next day!
 ___

The next day had started earlier than I had thought, but still we couldn't make it before 12 in checking out from the horrible hotel we stayed in. Horrible!, it comes with the adventure, again I thought. 

McLeod Ganj is one place I had always wanted to visit, because of all that I had heard about it. And smiles, here we were, standing on the concrete slab on top of the under construction bus shelter of McLeod Ganj. 

There's always a better!

The place was not what I had imagined, only a bit better!
  
Bhagsunag is sparely a kilometer away from McLeod Ganj, and undoubtedly had cheaper hotels. Perfect choice for us! After doing the regular hotel hunting, we chose the first hotel that we had visited. What a waste of time, I had smiled.

Post the unusually little time that we all took in refreshing (we had already taken hours in dressing up back in Dharamshala), we set out to check out only the better.

Bhagsu is a place that is a home to just hotels of every kind, not surprisingly frequented the most by the tourists from all the corners of the world. Bhagsu Falls, making the top of the places to be visited, is amazing and just the view of its access route makes it even more exciting.

The road to the top towards the waterfall is a long one, going uphill with a very gentle slope. Mere a distant view of the falls from the foot of the turning road amuses the visitors. Dharamshala is long forgotten. Yes, the beauty of being in the lap of nature makes you forget everything else, even the amazing of the amaziest stadiums of Dharamshala. 

The sheer excitement of touching the mountains and the hope of the best still unseen, helps you never go tired up on the road. And no doubt, the efforts are totally paid off once you reach the top!

Waterfalls have always amazed me, the idea of being this close to one is entirely an experience altogether. Bhagsu Falls are one of the best waterfalls I've ever come across in my life (Yes, I have seen many back in my village!). Getting too close to the falling chilled water that sends cool breeze all the time is an experience that can't be matched to any other. 

After touching the chilling waters of the pool back in Espresso Bar in Dharamshala, I had thought nothing could've been more chillier. But, yet again, I was proven wrong. The water beneath the strong falls was almost freezing, zero degrees if not negative! ;)

Click, click, click! After taking a million shots under the waterfalls, it was time to finally have some real fun! Jumping in the water so cold must be completely an insane idea to many, but life won't give you a next! 

The route to the spot where we had decided to jump in the water and do some bathing in the chilling waters, was equally adventurous, with us getting bitten by what the local called bichhu booti! The weird looking plant bites you real bad, and leaves the skin with a burning sensation for almost few hours. 

The cold water bath was adventure enough, and yet there was more to come. The rain Gods had decided to shower us with some more adventure, as the clouds started showering us with their blessings! Adventure, it is, I rejoiced.

Let's define Heaven!

Everything about this trip had been real fun, a unique experience in its own. And now that we were sitting in a pure desi German Bakery cafe, having our dinners chosen from a variety of cuisines that the place offered, looking at the clouds that were enveloping the mountains, giving us the most amazing view; Heaven lies on Earth! 

The Bhagsu Falls experience had been amazing, and had set the mood for the trip. And, the night was going to be more eventful! 

High is not just a word!

Marijuana in my soul
Marijuana in my heart

Experience the new!

Looking back at each and every moment of this trip, filled me with joy, as now we prepared for the return to our dens.

The bus journey to Pathankot had ended in a lesser time than was expected and luckily, the excitement had not died up. A good sign!

The decision of going back home in a train was unanimous, and undoubtedly the best way to put an end to this wonderful trip. And, before the delayed train and the waiting hours at the railway station could drift our minds towards the bad, the train had arrived, delayed by just an hour and thirty minutes.

The journey back home had put up a lot many question marks, because sadly, we all had our berths in different compartments separated by many coaches in between. But, it now mattered less, for, the journey was going to be in peace and calm, as the sleep was making our eyes heavier now. And so we slept away the night, in peace and comfort.

The next day had begun in a new State altogether, for me, as now we had reached where we belonged. Perfectly, the last night had been full of dreams too serene and a glimpse of what was probably the best experience of my life!

I smiled, when do I not!, as we stepped down on the platform of the very own New Delhi railway station, waiting eagerly to get hold of my computer so as to be able to lock down this experience in words, that would last forever!

And, to remind me of these times, spontaneity is the key!

A fresh morning awaits... let the night pass!

  

One Night @ The Call Center

Oct 1, 2010
11.30 P.M.

The amazement and thrill of a night out with friends is unmatched with anything else in the world, but tonight I was not with the best of my friends whose company I would have liked, but the sheer idea of a night out was amusing! It's been days since I had driven a car after mine was stolen off some years back, so tonight when I got to drive that broken Maruti Zen, I was excited but soon the excitement had died up as the car was in a more pathetic condition than I had assessed. 

My idea of fun is not something many would agree to, for one, it depends on my mood, and two, I don't really care for who I am with! The long drives in a car speeding high with nothing to hinder the motion, has always been my idea of fun at nights, but that rarely happens in a city where the speedier wheels have to compromise on their speed for the slow motioned entities moving on the same road. But, it was different tonight. NH - 8 is a perfect road that adds on to the greed in the driver to drive at higher speeds than he had promised himself. 

And the best part today was, the roads were empty.

Witness the history, for, this won't happen to you again!

Before I had stepped out of my home, I knew for some reason that this night is going to be really long. And the only thing that had made me agree to this night out was the sheer adventure it was going to be! 

Oct 1, 2010

10.00 P.M. 

My cellphone rang up. 

I didn't want to pick it up and talk, I was in no mood. But I had to, because I knew these rings were not going to stop. So, I disconnected the phone and stepped out. He was waiting outside, as I had expected. It's been many days since I was trying to shoo him off but there's rarely something that helps this guy. Freshly out of a scene from a Bollywood movie, this species believed in all the larger than life situations, something I would puke on.

So, the only purpose of going out with him tonight was the idea of finishing it up all tonight. I knew I wouldn't be able to take it any more, so I just had to end things up.

And as I thought of what was going to happen tonight, it looked exactly like a take from a Bollywood movie, which one I don't know but they've made many such and many more will follow. 

A guy doing theatrical attempts to commit suicide, threatening the girl he loves, trying to make her guilty conscious. And forcing her, if the attempts go futile. 

This scene was going to be repeated once more tonight. What am I doing in this? I thought. So, I moved ahead, for, I knew what was I doing in it.

  

 Oct 2, 2010
12 Midnight

The lives in call centers had always amused me, for, how can someone spend so much time on the calls with random people, trying to please each one of them. And tonight, I was going to see this life from close. 

Her cab stopped in front of the glass cube that stood tall ahead of me. It was a white Toyota Innova and this didn't make it unique, because there were million of similar cars around the complex. 

She had no idea about what we were doing in front of her newly joined office, and there was no way for her to find out what was going to happen to her. But, one thing she knew for sure, had she tried to escape from us, she'd have to pay for it. So, she obediently followed us to the car where her dramatic ex boyfriend was lying on the backseat. We pushed her inside and she obeyed.

The boyfriend who had apparently attempted suicide had his left hand plastered and the right one paralyzed, supposedly. What bullshit? My brain triggered, Who on Earth gets paralysis after having the phenyl tablets? I felt funny.

The boyfriend and the kidnapped girl were lying on the backseat while I took on the driver's seat and the other useless fellow companion sat next to me. The fake suicidal boyfriend had told us what we had to act like and what were our dialogs, but since my mood was not so cheered up, I uttered no word. Thank God! I'm so moody, I smiled silently.

The random shit went on between the two lovers sitting behind me, and I was losing my nerve as I felt unwanted in the shitty scene that was in progress. I wanted to run away but I could not, not because I cared for my "actor" friend playing the ex boyfriend, but because I had no money to take a taxi back home. (-;  

I had the steering wheel in my hands, the keys were in, the ignition was on, the mood was off... what stopped me from accelerating and running away? Well, the people that were there with me in the same car.


Oct 2, 2010
1.10 A.M. 

How much you hate yourself when you regret saying 'yes' to someone! In fact, not being able to say 'no' to anyone. 

I wanted to kill the dude and run away. But, I had no plans to drive the broken car back home. So, I kept my cool.

So, now the girl was in, the jerk was in his full act, the only thing left to be done was to take the car and speed away back home. But, the girl trapped the jerk in her acts and the jerk was hesitating in executing his own plans, kidnapping the girl. God! Why the hell did I even come? I regretted for the nth time.

I had heard enough of the drama going at the back, and I could take it no more, so, I started the car and accelerated it towards the exit. The jerk and the girl started to feel scared, but I was not, and I had stopped listening to them long back.

I sped towards the road, when the paralyzed hand of the jerk had started working all of a sudden and tapped my shoulder to slow down to 30-40 kph. But, he couldn't measure how pissed off I was. 


Oct 2, 2010
2.45 A.M. 

It had been almost 5 hours since I had committed the mistake of coming out with this loser. And, I was left with no choice but to wait till his movie ends. 

We were halfway home when the jerk fell for the girl's trap that had her tears and sobs asking him to take her back to her office, promising she'd be back. The night is ruined, I was alarmed. The jerk then begged me to take the car back to where we started, the concrete glass jungle of the call center complex. What could I do! I took a U-turn and brought the jerks back.

The girl sobbed a little more, the jerk threatened and acted her a little more, they both stepped out and went inside the joined pieces of the broken glass structure. 


Oct 2, 2010
3.15 A.M.

The time was proving me right. The girl was not coming back. I felt like kicking the jerk's ass, who had forced me in this drama. So I did.

So, now that it was final that my night was totally fucked up, I tried to relax myself sitting in the only green space in that otherwise glassy jungle. The surroundings seemed like I was in a different world altogether. There were people all around, yet everything was alien to me. The life at a call center was dull, dead and monotonous, for, each and every soul that came out of that glass was lifeless, sipping in a cup of tea, taking a drag or two from the cigarettes, and then back to where they belonged.

The little transparency that the glass facade of the building offered let me step in the lives of these people. There were people sitting on their desks, with the bulky instrument over their heads, speaking in the weird looking mouthpiece, staring at their computer screen and yet, sitting lifeless. There was a constant activity on the floor area, people moving in and out, here and there, doing nothing, or doing something that looked 'nothing' to me.

The scene outside echoed almost the same, there was one major similarity between the two parallel worlds of inside and out; there was no life in either of these worlds.


Oct 2,2010
5.00 A.M.

So now that I had ruined and spent my night inside a shabby car, the morning light that was gradually enveloping the sky didn't much altered my thoughts. I was lying there playing dumb and numb. 

The jerk had set his eyes constant on the 3rd floor of the cube, where his girl had entered hours back, promising him she'd be back. Here he was, saying all the crappy things he could, making all the false claims of ruining up her life, etc. I didn't have to do much to ignore whatever he said, I was naturally pissed off.


Oct 2, 2010
11.00 A.M.

When you know it's time to pick and choose your 'friends' out of all the people that surround you, all you need is one night.

I had decided for myself that I was never going to help this jerk in the future, now that after waiting the whole night outside that call center, he was making me wait outside the girl's house. 

Now that my night was already flushed and fucked, I had to save the day that was coming ahead. So, I shut off everything that had stopped me till now from leaving this jerk, and took a step back. It was time to say 'no' to something, to tell the jerk what I felt now, to kill any sympathy whatsoever I had for him. 

I threw the jerk inside the car, and rushed back home. The girl may rot in hell, for all I care.


Oct 2, 2010
9.30 A.M.

The girl who the jerk had waited for all night, was finally in front of him, but the iron gate between them barred him to go near her. The girl was smiling, and the jerk was frustrated. Then suddenly with a blink of an eye, she disappeared in the crowd that was rushing towards their cabs that'd take them back home, a place where there was a little more life.

The jerk tried all his assumptions of what might have happened to her, of what will happen to her and of where she vanished.

But, there was one thing he had forgotten; he was a jerk, afterall.

So, after wasting one whole night and half a morning, I finally was cheered up as it was time to go back home. But, the jerk had other plans.


Oct 2, 2010
10.15 A.M.  

The car was parked outside the girl's hostel, waiting for the white cab to come and drop her, which I knew wouldn't ever happen. 
 

Oct 2, 2010
11.30 A.M.

The car was back home, parked neatly opposite the infamous Children's park of our colony. The jerk stepped and I shut the door on his face. I needed no explanations, no answers, no questions, and no progress.

Let the jerk be what he is, I thought to myself and stepped towards my home, leaving the drama and the theatrics behind me.

There were two things I had learned that night.
One. Learning to say 'no' is one thing I badly needed.
Two. Life in a call center sucks. I'm better off.

Nowhere I Belong...

What seems like a long time, 3 years back when I had joined architecture, I was apprehensive if I belonged to the place, and within days my answers were defined as I had hated what all went inside that brightly lit studio. The initial days were miserable because of two things...

One. My hands weren't made to sketch. 

Two. I didn't 'want' to sketch.

The favorite question for every single teacher was 'You're here by chance or by choice?' And, it developed a loathing for those two words, 'chance' and 'choice'. I knew my answer but why would anyone be honest at this place? because all of us knew what would follow. So, a 100% of 'by choice' for the reply and everyone thought 'Finally, a batch of dedicated architects'.

Something weird was happening, and I was feeling weirder with every minute thing that happened. Three teachers taking up one subject, few creepy beings discussing who their favorite architect is or the seniors asking for the mobile numbers of the very few girls that we had in our class; it was all weird. So, when the two small creatures asked us to sketch and dimension a human profile which they fondly called Anthropometrics, I instantly decided for myself that this place wasn't for me.

But, what does a failed engineering aspirant with no other option for the admission do, that too when he has already dropped an year? 

I had left that two room college in the middle of nowheres in Kolkata because those four months were enough to make me realize that I was in the wrong place. So now when a similar feeling was overtaking my thoughts, I was scared because I had failed myself once, and I didn't want to face a second time. But, there was nothing I could do. So, I thought lets give four months to this too. 

I still remember when I made that first shit of Anthropometrics how I had hated the very idea of using a drawing board and parallel bars and stuff. And adding to this, a subject made me re-consider if I was actually in architecture, because everybody around me thought I was in Fine Arts, thanks to those colors and brushes. 

Soon things changed and we had progressed from making humans in different postures to making spaces for those postures. India was developing, and so was my college; so, now we were designing toilets and kitchens. Not that it had helped me loving my course, but it was much better than making those weird looking Anthros. 

The first year was all messed up, but thanks to my little bit of social life, I was still alive and breathing. Towards the end of it, I had started liking the place for some unknown reason, unknown because I still hadn't developed a liking for the work we did, neither were there some people who could really make me like where I was. But, there was something that helped me stick to this place for this long that I have stayed.

Now, as I think of all that was going around me over these last three years, it's been an amazing time; seeing all the ups and downs, suspension, almost detained, year backs, back papers, and a lot more on the downside. And to count for the better times, all I have is the case studies, trips, night outs, and the few friends I have. But, as I approach the final end of this course, it worries me because all these years of hard work or no work has not really helped me 'feeling' like an architect. It's like I stand facing one of those moments where you sit and contemplate what you aimed for and what you achieved, but I am saved for one thing; I had no aims. I might consider myself better than many others who I study with and that I know I am, but competing against the already losers doesn't really count as a victory. 

So, even knowing that I am better than some, it doesn't stop this introspection. It's like am standing at the same place as I was when I had started this journey; knowing not where to go or where I wanted to go, undecided, confused over everything. I have almost cleared these years of architecture, but the question still remains 'Where do I go now?', because the only thing that scares me right now is the mere thought of knowing and realizing one day that I am a failure at being an architect, that too when I would've taken the long road that takes 5 years to reach the realization point, and thinking of all this when I am in the middle of it, with just 2 more years to end and am already done with the past 3, doesn't really make me feel good. 

I might even think 'Wish I had known earlier' but it won't help, because the fact remains  Nowhere I belong. 

Having the route map won't help if the destination is not known

When Everything Feels Like The Movies

Years ago, when someone had told me 'Life reflects the cinema'... 'Movies are born out of realities' was my first instinct. But, today when I look around, it makes me wonder, Really!??


Either the cinema has gotten deep down in the veins of reality or the lives today are so much entangled with the cinema that every moment in the real life appears to be a scene from a freshly out movie. So, to say...
Life does reflect cinema in this age.


Few days back, a friend told me the story that how he went to his girl's house and told her mother how much he loved her and blah blah.... Man, where does this happen in the real life? Isn't this the scene from every second Bollywood flick!? But, all I could do was to make faces in surprise and shock and helplessness, for, I couldn't laugh on his face even though I really wanted to.. ;)


Yes, these movies do influence lives, and so much, that every action, reaction, advice or suggestions made by my friends look like stolen from some or the other flick! 


Let others be... if I look back at my own life, it's no less than a full fledged Bollywood saga, whether it's about the filmy anger I take out at home, or thinking of all the nonsensical ideas on my girl getting married or telling everyone 'Mere pyaar ki shaadi hai' badly influenced by a bad movie! 

Maybe these things do happen in normality, but the way everything is projected in the movies, it makes it all look like nothing but a exaggerated fake of what life is. 

So, why am I even writing about all this?
So that when next time I deliver a dialog to a friend, I'd think 'this is normal, movies are nothing but a reflection of reality' ;)

Do We Always Need A Name?

For days I've been trying to write something, not because I just had to, it was needed. But, you are bound by your own freedom! Every time I wrote something, I thought it wouldn't do justice to what I've written already. But, is there a unity? Do I actually have to care about how I must write? 

I think not.

So, it's not about how I must think, it's about what I should.

Yes there's a lot to say, but too few a words. What I must frame down in words?

Should I be celebrating my reunion with some long lost friends, or should I be getting sad on my girl getting engaged in 3 days and married in 350!

Maybe, I should just stay silent, because sometimes, silence speaks volume and words fall short.

Prejudice

It's going to be a shit movie. I told my brother who had just finished downloading this Chinese movie and now, was eager to watch it no matter what day of the Ramadan it was. He has been like this since forever, wanting to do things as soon as he plans to and, I like the way he is.

I have always felt a connection with the country, and China has always fascinated me; God knows better why exactly. The movie started with some Chinese text floating on the screen, that was obviously out of my understanding. The screen turned dark with a hint of beige lining decorating the screen. It is going to be another tense action filled movie he loves, I thought to myself and declared it a flop already.

The title of the movie was Ip Man. There was a hostility to the name and I could not understand what was more weird, the name or my thoughts! 

The story began with men fighting men, Kung Fu and stuff. Ah! I hate this movie, I concluded. It has been over 20 minutes and I was still watching it with a keen interest. Strange! I doubted my earlier thoughts.

The movie indeed was engaging and as I later learnt, it was not about the Kung Fu and all the fighting that was going on, it was a subject far more captivating, it was for the love of the country and the fellow countrymen. Patriotism. I smiled at the thought.

The story revolved around Master Ip and his skills of Kung Fu. And you talk of modesty, here was a man too humble and modest. He shied away from accepting any laurels for his talent, and yet he remained the best. The later half of the movie told the story of the slaved China when Japan invaded the country and robbed it off in 1937. Master Ip was living a life so secret with him being a name too respected and yet denying any favor from any friends. He had given up Kung Fu, after all what was there to fight for, once the freedom was gone.

But, what happens when your friend is sacrificed via enemies in the name of patriotism. A new patriot is born. Master Ip didn't want a revenge for his friend Lin, he wanted a revenge for his country and all he had was the little Kung Fu that was left in him.

So, Master Ip goes and challenge the enemy, fights him down and wins the heart of all his countrymen. But, rarely a non - Hindi movie has a happy ending. Hence, the traitor Japanese shoots him down once he's done fighting their General Miura. Hell is broken loose and people takes the traitors down. Master Ip survives, thanks to the love of his fellow beings. What a perfect end!

That happens in the movies only. 

But, when the credits started towards the end of the movie, I was shocked to realize that it was based on a real life story. And Master Ip was actually the master of the well famous Bruce Lee. 

Judging the book by its cover isn't right, I was told. 

The movie was a good watch and what makes it nicer is the prejudice that marked its beginning for me.

Hole In My Soul

Sometimes a moment changes everything and sometimes something changes a moment.

It has always interested me to question the very being of life. 

Why can't life be simple and straight?

Why can't things always remain the same? 

Does life really need a change? 

Or, is God up there just playing a game?

And, then someone comes and tell you 'whatever happens, happens for the best' and all the questions are answered; put to rest. 

Yet, it has never stopped us to remain questioning the unanswerable. 

And somewhere deep you know, life would've been too dull without these changes. Life is after all, made up of dynamism. So, no matter how much you question or what answers you get, life will not move on the way you wish it to. And, would it start agreeing to what you want, there will never be a thing called past.

Few years back, I told someone I had dumped the past, and today when I met this someone, he questioned me back "Have you?"

And we laughed. Because, we both knew the answer.

I might not have been successful in dumping my past, but surely I disconnected myself from what was the best time of my life. And, the present will soon become a past and I might as well have a second best. I smile on this very thought.

You must have tried to disconnect yourself from the past at some point of life, and if you haven't, you lived an abnormal life. 

School life is something all of us have hated at some point of time; how we wished to grow adults as early as possible to get rid of that weight in those school bags or the piles of homework we got or even the uniform sometimes. And years later, do we not miss what was? Or, think of it with a slight crunch, to do the least? Thinking of how we had tried to get rid of everything that related to that small place called school.

My life at school was amazing, as now I realize. I was the star at the school, the center of attention, and I loved every bit of being one. Wouldn't you love when all the girls testify in your favor that you weren't late because you weren't playing in the field? That saved me from bending down and being a chicken. =D

From being maa's spoiled pampered brat to being the center of the universe at school, I have enjoyed all the royal treatment that came my way.

But, nothing is permanent, everything undergoes a change. 

It was time for my time to end, life had stopped going my way. I had grown up, as people kept telling me. Just because I have joined 'Senior Secondary' school? I thought to myself. But, life sure had changed. I was no more the center of attention, and I hated it. Hence, I considered my school life to be over there and then, and what happened beyond that was just a part of the 13 years of formal education.

Everyone has changed. I concluded. 

But, maybe it was the selfish me who was feeling avoided because suddenly I had lost all the importance. 

Then, today after so many years I realize you can not remain the star and keep the limelight forever, life needs a replacement. So, I feel silly when I think of all that was, and how I had tried to wipe off the part of the past that didn't suit me. But, without ugly, there would be no beautiful.

Trying is one thing, and success is the other. No one succeeds in dumping the past, for, how would you delete something that doesn't exist.

So, when a part of my past that was long forgotten (not dumped) came revisiting this morning, it was a beautiful experience. I might as well wonder why does it really cheer me up, for, the same people made me even consider of dumping the past, but, how do you deny the happiness!

I guess it's time to step back and make up for what I messed up long time back. I might as well succeed in blotting out the twitches that were keeping the hole in my soul open.

You think too much of what was, and what will be.