Hole In My Soul

Sometimes a moment changes everything and sometimes something changes a moment.

It has always interested me to question the very being of life. 

Why can't life be simple and straight?

Why can't things always remain the same? 

Does life really need a change? 

Or, is God up there just playing a game?

And, then someone comes and tell you 'whatever happens, happens for the best' and all the questions are answered; put to rest. 

Yet, it has never stopped us to remain questioning the unanswerable. 

And somewhere deep you know, life would've been too dull without these changes. Life is after all, made up of dynamism. So, no matter how much you question or what answers you get, life will not move on the way you wish it to. And, would it start agreeing to what you want, there will never be a thing called past.

Few years back, I told someone I had dumped the past, and today when I met this someone, he questioned me back "Have you?"

And we laughed. Because, we both knew the answer.

I might not have been successful in dumping my past, but surely I disconnected myself from what was the best time of my life. And, the present will soon become a past and I might as well have a second best. I smile on this very thought.

You must have tried to disconnect yourself from the past at some point of life, and if you haven't, you lived an abnormal life. 

School life is something all of us have hated at some point of time; how we wished to grow adults as early as possible to get rid of that weight in those school bags or the piles of homework we got or even the uniform sometimes. And years later, do we not miss what was? Or, think of it with a slight crunch, to do the least? Thinking of how we had tried to get rid of everything that related to that small place called school.

My life at school was amazing, as now I realize. I was the star at the school, the center of attention, and I loved every bit of being one. Wouldn't you love when all the girls testify in your favor that you weren't late because you weren't playing in the field? That saved me from bending down and being a chicken. =D

From being maa's spoiled pampered brat to being the center of the universe at school, I have enjoyed all the royal treatment that came my way.

But, nothing is permanent, everything undergoes a change. 

It was time for my time to end, life had stopped going my way. I had grown up, as people kept telling me. Just because I have joined 'Senior Secondary' school? I thought to myself. But, life sure had changed. I was no more the center of attention, and I hated it. Hence, I considered my school life to be over there and then, and what happened beyond that was just a part of the 13 years of formal education.

Everyone has changed. I concluded. 

But, maybe it was the selfish me who was feeling avoided because suddenly I had lost all the importance. 

Then, today after so many years I realize you can not remain the star and keep the limelight forever, life needs a replacement. So, I feel silly when I think of all that was, and how I had tried to wipe off the part of the past that didn't suit me. But, without ugly, there would be no beautiful.

Trying is one thing, and success is the other. No one succeeds in dumping the past, for, how would you delete something that doesn't exist.

So, when a part of my past that was long forgotten (not dumped) came revisiting this morning, it was a beautiful experience. I might as well wonder why does it really cheer me up, for, the same people made me even consider of dumping the past, but, how do you deny the happiness!

I guess it's time to step back and make up for what I messed up long time back. I might as well succeed in blotting out the twitches that were keeping the hole in my soul open.

You think too much of what was, and what will be.