Reversal

Life sure is funny. How it takes a total 360 at times.

I remember a time when there was nothing that I couldn't share with someone. 

And today, I have nobody to share so much with.

Is it The End?

This was the day I had been waiting all my life.... if not the entire of it, at least the last five years of it! I should be excitedly happy, but am not. I do not know why. Honestly, I don't even want to know why.

The past six months were insanely crazy. I remember starting on a very happy note. I was excited about the coming days, weeks and months. I knew it would be an interesting journey, but as it turns out, the next day I was mourning what had just begun a day ago. It was probably the stupidest mistake I could make at such a crucial stage, but then... I couldn't help committing it; it was destiny!

I have tried to sum it up in words, but I cannot. The 'end' of it was painful, not because it was ending, but because it wasn't ending the way I had foreseen it. Yet, I couldn't complain; after all, I had expected a lot, from myself and of course from these last six months. But I was pretending to be satisfied with what was happening, at last it was ending at least. Nevertheless, I couldn't disappoint myself any further. It was a complete failure. And, yet again!

Will it ever End?

I want to run and hide... Just want to end things forever! But, I want so many things that are beyond achievable! Maybe, I should just put an end to this hoping; a hope to fix things that are long distorted and broken. I perhaps should just put an end to everything. 

But it is not in my hands, and if it was, it wouldn't have ever begun.

Whatever Happened?

I wanted to be the only person who can see this blog, so that I can write anything I want without having to think twice before doing so. But, I am kind of bound by my own freedom. I do not know what to write, or how to. There has been a pattern to all the posts; an identity of their own. I never thought of the people who were gonna read what I write, so that I don't have to compromise on my freedom in the name of universal accessibility. But yes, I do think carefully about 'what' to write. 'How' is probably not of my concern, but it was the 'what' that wanted me to hide this blog from everyone.

I don't know if this is the reason, but I just overtook somebody along the road. A companion. No, it wasn't a second that clicked on my watch, it was an eternity. I have known this moment since ages, and yet it's all so new. Time surely is a miraculous thing; re-casts everything with itself.

It is sad when a stranger tells you things you'd never want to hear, even from your own friends. But it is sadder when a friend becomes a stranger and hurt you in a way that even a 'true' stranger can not. It's more than painful, its close to rubbing the wounds, if it gives a sense of degree to it. But you cannot ignore the reason why the said friend would turn his back on you. It's probably the thing most easily neglected, but somewhere deep beneath those several layers of complaints and aches, you know you were responsible for it somewhere, even if it was a fraction of a nothing. 

I don't know how I ended up here. I have walked too much ahead of what this was supposed to be. I remember myself being the ridiculously ignorant brat who didn't give a damn to whatever complexities life had worn for him. The term for him today is 'mean', or better... 'selfish'. I am not here to defend myself, but to complain. Complain to God, about making me feel so helpless. I do not want people's sympathy; neither their testimonies to my 'goodness' nor their MoU with me. In plain simple words, I just want God to explain me this simple thing... why did I have to evolve into this excessively complicated creature who has his own ways to define things. I am thankful to Him for making things so complicatedly easy for me to identify with them. But, why couldn't He had just given everyone the same level of simplifying complexities. Does that make me unique? Or, is it weird? I guess, it's the 'odd one out' more than anything else. 

I am tired of trying to get to the roots of this heavily intricate and complex structure of mine. 

I started with writing diary entries once, to get my English right. It took, surprisingly very little time to do so. But, now it's all about getting my 'self' right. And, it surely is taking a forever!

The Lights are Out!

One for the unending smile on their face

When they put in all their efforts to twist their fate

A hint of a joy over the slightest hope

A glint of an achievement over the faintest nothing

Let's do it once, let's act above our self

Let's give them joy, let's be someone else!

Flashbacks are something that rarely happen in the real life.

It was the burst of a cracker that brought one for me. It brought back the nights from more than a decade ago. 

It is the eve of the Diwali, and everywhere around is nothing but the brightly lit diyas and colorful lights. It was perhaps a lifetime ago, when this day meant more than a holiday to me, when it was an eagerness to burn the crackers, light the diyas, not thinking even once about the superficial existence of the so-called religious differences. Perhaps there were not any, back then, and there indeed are not any. The sheer joy derived out of the colorful crackers was worth listening to those self-righteous-orthodox-religious-laureates.

But...

Gone are the days...

Lighting up hopes!

Walking down the chilling asphalt road, I look at these dwindling flames in the middle of almost nowhere. It is not my curiosity, but I have to walk towards my destination. The waving flames are now dotted with a bleak laughter, but I do not see a human figure until I am in close proximity to the kids that now I can see clearly. Yes, it is the festival of lights and everywhere is a dense group of people celebrating in the best of their ways; yet, here I am, staring at some of the creatures trying to find happiness in a candle that is now only an inch of melted wax. I wouldn't mind if they come bothering me to give them a penny, but today, they won't. There is an intangible hope in their eyes; a hope to get everything from somebody far above the smoky sky tonight.

Maybe, burning the crackers and jumping with joy was my style of celebration years ago. But today, it is an attempt to give these little kids an excuse to rejoice. It is only a handful of chocolates and crackers to me, but it is a 'Diwali' for them.
And, this is the least I can do. 
Because, it's good to be human sometimes!

Making 'non'Sense!

I got up this morning and thought of doing something extraordinary. And more than the day has passed, I am still looking for that 'extraordinary' to be done. Stupid thoughts I have sometimes, I must say.

So, since morning I have been carefully observing everything that I have come across (and that is to say, computer, tv and food) so as to find something to be done in the name of doing extraordinary. Nevertheless, the search had to end somewhere.

The greatest thoughts come when you are attending the nature's call (I truly believe that). So, I was about to flush my potty when it came to my mind (I know you are going all yucky already), the potty reminded me of someone. Not the look of it, not the smell of it (I am going to die of the overdose of my own nonsense today), but the sheer idea of it... you know... being a 'waste'. I can not think of anyone else more 'waste'ful at this time, than the person who's been shitting on my life for the past four months (I had almost written the name, but my keyboard blasted itself because its keys couldn't bear the mention of his name). Coming back to the potty reminder; he's almost as good as 'shit' (waste, disgusting, and the smell that could kill, literally) but even there he's a step ahead of the poor potty. The innocent potty is at least washed away and makes you feel lighter (of course, you can't deny that, no matter how grossed out you are with this); but the shit eating loser is stuck to the seat (read, my life) permanently it seems, and no matter how hard I flush, he's not going to go anywhere and will just add on to the stink.

Now, am thinking why I ended up here (I had to do something extraordinary, right?). So, I haven't 'done' anything extraordinary. I have just discovered something to make up for it. And my discovery? Well, that contrary to my old saying 'Shit happens! Flush it', I have reached a point where I can not resist modifying it a bit...
***(I just wanted to keep my keyboard safe) happens, flush youself, because he's not gonna go anywhere! (Sadly)

P.S. I have made my non'sense', so now I can happily resume with making sense.
And damn, the loser has beaten up the potty too! (*puked and died*)

Where Is The Way?

Beginnings are always hard to work with. I would usually  make through, only if I could begin on a perfect start. That, probably is the problem with most of my doings. What am I thinking? More importantly, Why? I fail to understand why I cannot just start with whatever I have in my mind. Why do I always have to think too much; think of a third man's perception, overriding my own. It feels like am doing things for somebody else. And again, I cannot make the why of it. 

When was the last time I did not think of a several other things before doing something? I would run out of time if I tried to track it down. It was most likely, years ago when I had an aimless mind. Funny, how you lose self-control over gaining a direction to your acts.

Dead Ends

I do not know if there would ever be a way to put this down and move on. For me, it is like a permanent scar; to my memories. Who doesn’t make efforts to create the most cherishing memories of all times, but you cannot help when you end up facing times that will construct the worst of the memories. I have made up those ones, pretty often. Time heals everything, there was a common saying I grew up listening; believing it wasn’t a possibility for me. Time, however long it has been, hasn’t healed anything whatsoever, not even the outline of the limitless nightmares. I never wanted to, but I do remember each and every little thing that ended up in creating a bad memory. I am now smiling over the long gone ones, but it isn’t the healing that’s making me do so, it’s just the habitual ordeal that I have accustomed myself with. Nevertheless, I am finding it hard to smile over the fresh ones, and I have a feeling that it is never going to happen. For however long it takes, I shall give up anything to come out of here. I can happily do away with having a nightmare in the middle of my comfortless sleep, but I’d give up all my breathing, only if there was a way to come out of living this nightmare. 

Let there be light!

I Believe I Can Fly.... Again!

If only there was a way to attain peace, I would have given my everything to enjoy it for even a fraction of a second, at present. But I guess it's too much I am asking for. Or, is it? Wasn't there a time when everything was in place, and I was at peace? Or, was there? I guess it has been too long to count it in.

I fail to recall when was the last time I was not thinking too much. I can't even trace back the path that lead me here, at this position. I guess I wouldn't be able to define this position. It seems like impossible, or if there was a word to define beyond impossibility. Such is the situation, I fail to understand the whys and hows myself, so silence is the reply to them who want to help me restate myself. I wish I could be helped, but it is that word that defines the beyond of impossibility.

There are people who really, actually, desperately want to see that lost smile on my face. Then, there are those who are satisfied with that pretentious smile of mine. When do I not laugh! And, then there are those who want to help me, but are trying hard to be convinced with that same fictitious smile, because they know the possibilities. I have no grievances with either of them. It is what they see, it is what they believe... But I am disappointed with myself; the failure at being normal once, or again.

It is not me failing to explain, or express; it is like a failed explanation. I know not a way to say it. The closest word I can find right now is "restless", if it qualifies to explain my inability to be at peace mentally and beyond. 

I write when I am upset, or when I am too happy. It brings me closer to what am seeking, add more to the happiness. But the same happiness is dotted with an expiry date. Where is the peace?, they ask. Exactly, where is the peace? I search.

The quest has been on, since I don't know how long. If only I didn't believe in the existence  of normality, I'd have given up long back. But, I believe...

It has been forever since you're gone...
 This little hope is why am still holding on!

Spitting Out

I just got up from a 4 hours sleep, which is too less considering I didn't sleep for the past 52 hours. But, I just couldn't lie sleeping with all those repeated dark dreams haunting me. I wanted to get up and run  away, but I am too tired. How else do I take out what's pissing me off for the last whole month (probably ever since it happened first, three years back). 

I couldn't have regretted anything more than I do living that one day inside that office. I knew it was a mistake; standing for myself, speaking out my mind. It couldn't have been a worse time to do so. Nothing in life will I regret more than those few minutes of my life in the dark lord's office. Quite honestly, regretting going to Kolkata after my school doesn't seem to even qualify for the list of my regrets in life anymore; it is this bad. Post the Kolkata episode of my life, I had decided not to regret anything in life, for I thought there wouldn't be anything worse than choosing the wrong place and career. As it turns out, I was wrong. That probably wasn't even a thing to regret, I didn't have the slightest idea back then of how it feels to 'actually' regret something. It is million times painful than I thought it to be.

It is not anger, not frustration or irritation. It is much more beyond that. If there was a word to describe the feeling of 'wanting' to die not because you're suicidal, but because you want to be; I would be that word right now. I have always been clear about 'there's no point complaining, when you can't help it', but I have breached my own ideologies. It seems like all that talk of never regretting, stop complaining, live with it, that's how life is and the other million fucking things is all but bullshit. Pure and simple.

Living with a regret is the worse thing to happen to anyone, and saying this I don't want to indicate that I have already sailed through the biggest regret of my life. It is going to last for six months, and maybe more. 

It is that one person who has fucked my life once before, and is happily doing again right now. It is only fair to call him a 'pig', that everyone does. But sometimes I feel bad for the pigs whose name he is tarnishing. Pigs are more 'human' than him, and I feel there is a desperate need of adding a new word to the common vocabulary, to describe what he is. All the abuses he gets never do the justice to what he in real is, and that's why it's even more frustrating. You can't even say things and get happy. It won't ever be easy. Abusing him won't put you at peace, killing him would be too 'kind' for what he deserves. 

Guess, I will have to satisfy myself saying things to him.

But, I shall soon be doing things. Six months.

To him.

For those millions of poor lives he has contaminated with his presence.

Spelling 'WEIRD'

I reside in my destiny
Cause I know what will be will surely be
Can't change a thing by wishing and praying
As far as I can see yeah
It doesn't make any sense
That's why I call life a silly coincidence 

A silly coincidence!

Life, sure is weird. Things work out differently, never the way you plan them. People tell me it's destiny, what has to happen shall happen anyhow. Then, why do we plan, why do we think? If your destiny is pre-written, what's the point of even thinking of adding new chapters to it.

Want... Need... Plan... 

Everything is superficial. How helpless you become when you desperately want something/someone, all you know is to pray to God, waiting for a miracle to occur. But it never happens. And, you know it was destiny! 

Life, sure is weird... and funny! When I started out, I didn't even know if I was going to stay or drop out from this world of designing, Architecture! It started with a dilemma. I never knew what I wanted out of these 5 years. And then, suddenly I realized I had nothing else in life, but the facades and fenestration within the world surrounding me. Clueless I had begun, but somehow all this became integral to me. I have spent hundreds of hours thinking about how it all turned up like this, and yet I live... clueless. 

It is a funny thing though. I had never wanted myself to be where I am today, but God had other plans. Everything that happened en route this destination, has been a remarkable change for what was. It is never about the destination, it is always the journey. Yeah, it is a funny thing.


Destiny and destination have a connection, I have always believed. Both of them are pre-written. How you reach there, is the journey! 

I was always mocked for my bad decisions, was always told or rather advised to plan things. But has ever a plan worked for me! I am not a failure at planning, my plans failed. However, I have enjoyed those little failures, for I have always preferred spontaneity over planning. Mindless it might sound... crazy it is.


There are a million things that I want to decipher; I have achieved only a minute fraction of it. I plan to. My plans shall fail however, because life sure is a weird thing. 
It will never let you plan, and yet, it will demand of you.

Little Things You Do!

 

There was something about these lyrics. It has stayed with me ever since I heard this the first time. It might be the relation that I established with it. But it is rather more. It is the gesture. Priceless!
To you, with love!

P.S. The video is the property of whoever wants to claim it. I am here, just sharing what one shared on YouTube! Vodafone can pay me for advertising for them, if they like ;)

Clueless

I do not remember when I started, but it wasn't a long ago. Or perhaps. 

Knowing not what to say. Yet trying to say it hard. 

Wasn't it the yesterday? And the day before... and one before that.

Afterglow

Dark and dead. 
Lights out. 
Blink of an eye.
Flashback!

Here I am, lost in the light of the moon  

Bathed in blue, the walls of my memory divide the thorns from the roses

It is you that am thinking of tonight. I do everyday, but it's never enough! There are too many moments I want to remind myself. Wasn't it the best time! I wonder every night, and it feels new each time.

It's you and the roses

It's like an endless loop. The memories. How much can those seven days possibly hold? And am amused by the reminiscence. It's like holding on tight what has already gone. It's only in the mind, that it has stayed... forever!

Touch me and I will follow in your afterglow

I can not even trace back the last time I touched you, saw or heard you. I fear every night; fear that I would forget how you sounded, or how it felt to be near you. But I shut my eyes and the fear is gone for, it feels like only yesterday. 

It was only yesterday in fact. How could I let it go after all!

Here I am, lost in the ashes of time, but who wants tomorrow?

Tomorrow is no future it seems, I don't even know what is there in today! Living in the past feels perfectly alright. Each blink of an eye gives me a memory to breathe. 

The first sight. Love. 

Blink!

Your voice. Bliss.

Blink!

The next seven days. Heaven. Forever.

I live in those seven days.

In between the longing to hold you again
I'm caught in your shadow

I'm losing control

Past. However sweet it might be. The 'perfect week' three years back, I can live it forever. I want to. Pining to see you again, wanting to spend several such perfect weeks. 

Longing to hold you again.

Lost in the ashes of time, but who wants tomorrow?

Yet, I can live with it. You are here. You are the memories.


Touch me and I will follow in your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go 
I will find my way
I will sacrifice 'til the blinding day
When I see your eyes


Letting go isn't easy, or possible it seems.
Yet, there's no bringing back those golden days. There is not going to be a 'better' than those 604800 moments, but I shall await, hoping for an 'equivalent' at least!


Now I'm living...
In your afterglow!

When It No Longer Exists...

Sometimes I think what is this that never let you be happy, or satisfied! Satisfaction is hard to achieve, and it hurts when you just can't reach it. I have always wondered why is it that I find it hard to write anything these days. Why is it that I just can't end what I start. Why! I have always assumed, it's the hunger of 'satisfaction' in those words. But assumptions go wrong, many times.

I just don't have it in me anymore.
And so it ends... here!

Comeback!

comeback (noun) a return to a former higher rank, popularity, position, prosperity, etc.

It is not a comeback for me, in the literal sense as the above definition from Oxford defines, for, it is not a place of higher rank or position for me that I have returned to; neither I have been away for a considerable time that would qualify for the term here! Then, why "comeback"? One might question.

I may not be "the" writer for many, or for that matter any. But, this is one thing that I have enjoyed ever since I started inking down my mind. This is something where I can be myself, for this is no fiction; I can act real without thinking twice about the world around. There is no scope for a lie, for it would feel like self - stabbing. I do not know what pushes me to write, but there's one thing for sure, that I become lifeless when am unable to pen down something from my thoughts. It puts me in a doubt when I am not able to write another poem, or scribble down my life. I am not a writer, but it feels like being handicapped, for you lose something that completed you. So, will it not cheer me up when I get back from the dead, when I get my words back, when am finally able to "speak" and not just talk. For me, it is but a comeback; for others, it can be nothing, for all I care.  

Attitude is my problem, they tell me all the time!

And yet I let them talk, for all I care.

And so I feel alive! 

Again...

The Year That Was...

Time flies!

Even though it's just another day to you, yet the fact that the whole year tries to fit within those few moments of flashback, is inevitable! It's amusing to notice how things changed from where they began and how things ended. Not any year is the same through all the months, not any year is all happy, or all sad. It's this variety that amuses you more, the next year!

There's just a new year, 'happy' is just a mood. It's just a day that changed, a number added to what was. It is when Monday becomes Tuesday, or Tuesdays become Wednesdays; making no difference to many! Yet, there's a hidden feeling of bidding goodbyes to the good old times, or good-riddance to the times that were otherwise! For, mere a day it might be, yet it has marked the beginning of something new!