Dear Myself..

"You are such a hoarder"

Someone had told me once, and I agree. While cleaning up the room today, I came across one such thing that I had hoarded from a phase of my life which I have happily forgotten. The pale white paper from a 'Personality Development' class I had taken 13 years ago. I remember not wanting to take that class, but it was the only elective course where there was no familiar face. The teacher was this 40-something lady with an ever-smiling face and a very cheerful aura around her that had always made me uncomfortable. When I think of that time, it feels almost impossible to even imagine myself being that inherently introvert. I’d like to think I am still very introvert in nature even today, but looking back at those years, it feels like I have evolved so much.

Year – 2003, just one of those days

When the class started today, I thought it was again going to be one of those days when we’ll be asked to pair up with someone and do some stupid activity, and like every other time I’ll be left to the mercy of Ms. Ansari to find me a partner. But today she came equipped with this very peculiar assignment. We were asked to write a letter to a 30-year-old ourselves. Of course it didn’t make sense to me, because I somehow thought I’ll never reach that time, and will be consumed by the abyss that those two years in the high school were. I felt really uncomfortable for two reasons – one, I was extremely scared that I’ll be asked to read my letter out loud and I will make a fool of myself, and two, I sucked at writing. I really did! However, Ms. Ansari made it really easy for me when she said, “Just write those letters, you don’t have to show it to anyone, you don’t have to submit the letters. I’ll not read it, just write for yourself.” I felt so relieved. My immediate response was ‘Well I don’t have to write at all, nobody will read it, nobody will find out I never wrote any’. But the excitement I saw in my fellow students was something alarming; they all set to writing it as soon as she had uttered the word ‘Write’. I sat there blank for about 5 minutes, before the teacher handed out a blank A4 to me, with a smiling face. She thought I didn’t have anything to write on. I hated that moment, and then I started…

“Dear 30-year-old me,

I really hope you have improved your writing.

I really hope you have become a writer or a journalist or something to do with writing. Please tell me you have published at least one book! I hope you have and I hope it has done well. 30 is a long time from now, so there’s a lot of time, please keep writing. You anyway suck at everything else.

I really hope you did better in studies. Be above average please, it feels bad to be just average. I hope Arts or Commerce has proven to be the right choice, because you suck at Science. 

I hope you finally have more friends than you have right now (i.e. zero). I hope you don’t find it difficult to talk to people anymore. I really hope you found many good friends. I loved it during the middle school, so I hope you are living a similar life in the future. 

I hope you did not get married at an early age. Stick to the plan – finish your studies, find a well-paying job, and marry when you’re all set. I think 28 is an okay age to be married, even if it’s late. So if you got married at 28, I hope the last two years have been good. I hope you don’t have kids yet – they are just so irritating.

I don’t expect that you’re living in Paris, but I hope you have visited it at least. 

I hope you read this and tick off all the above from the checklist!

All the best!

-

14-year-old yourself”

--

Honestly, the original letter had such poor grammar that I couldn’t make myself post the same, so I edited (but did not change the content) the mistakes and this is what I sounded like. Such a sad thing though, I’m two years away from 30, and I am nowhere close to where I thought I’d be.

I'll be there for you?

Okay so this is not a cry for help or anything. It's just I'm a little weird right now. The thing is, I am starting to realise that there is suddenly no one around to just sit and chat. I mean like tell things that you really mean. Laugh at things. Cry at things. Be angry at something. Together. I always had this feeling that I am a very good friend. It turns out, I am not. You know that feeling when you don't have anything to say yet you want someone to just listen? I think I am there right now. There is nothing particularly wrong with my life right now, and yet I feel like it couldn't be much worse. Every night I have this tendency to scroll through my contact list and find just one person who I can just randomly text and chat about just any random nonsense, but I can't find anyone. And yeah I know everyone tells you 'i will be always there for you' but in truth, nobody is always there for you. 

Blackouts

You know what I miss?

I miss those nights when our colony had long power cuts. Those 8-12 hour long power cuts. Having to sleep on the terrace on those old 'chaarpaayi's. Nights when there were no inverters or generators. When the mosquitoes couldn't let you sleep, and you had to use those handheld makeshift fans to keep yourself comfortable. All this sounds so unrelatable now, almost weird. Like it never happened, like it is beyond real. 

 But you know why I miss those nights? It brought us all together. When my father would gather us all, and talk about some random thing. Through those blackouts, and my father's tales about his childhood, our grandparents, the village, the haveli, and whatnot, we got our life lessons. Lessons that remain with us even today!

My father would quiz us all, about stuff related to our forefathers and our village. He would often quiz about terms used in the village that we had never used in our city life, and even though I used to hate my village or anything related to it, I would feel so bad for not knowing. It was so bad to lose that one rupee coin, for not knowing. 

I miss the endless fights with my brother over who gets the better charpaayi. The difficulty of carrying the bedding on the top terrace, using that broken piece of a wooden ladder. I miss having dinner with mom and dad. Not eating unless mom had made that thing she made by dipping my chapati in the curry. She was the best at it. She still is. I miss being scolded by dad for missing my 'Bismillah' before starting to eat. 

In that moment of everything being so dark, with those little candle flames fighting to stay alive, when everything was so quiet, those conversations and laughter and the life of the gathering reflected like we were the happiest family on Earth! 

The blackouts these days - even the longest of them, are not the same anymore. They'll never be, because he'll never be there. So you know what I miss?

I think it's time.

I quit!

Of Places and Experiences - Bir

Bir, Himachal Pradesh

Bir is a little town in Himachal Pradesh, unknown to most of the people, so much so that when I enquired about the bus to Bir at the enquiry counter of the bus station, the guy on the other end was like "Bir? Where is that?". To escape from the hustle bustle of the city life, it of course made the perfect destination then.

Bir is very different from most of the famous hill stations of India. So far, it has been left untouched by the crazy commercial tourism that has ruined most of such places in India. But, it is not long before this beautiful little town will also be consumed by the commercialization. As of now, Bir is known for two things - the paragliding, and the tibetan colonies. When you enter the town, you see all these single storey residences scattered all over the place. I was a little disappointed that the place has lost the vernacular architecture, and most of the buildings are now constructed with RCC. I for one, really  miss the traditional architecture that these hill stations proudly boasted once upon a time. 

The roads inside the town are fairly wide for a hill station (given the crazy driving skills of the Himachali drivers), and make it easier to reach your destination. Thanks to the scarcity of public transport, and population, this make for a perfect and enjoyable journey. Just as you enter the town, you see a hoard of commercial shops promoting paragliding and other adventure activities in the area. Gladly, they have managed to maintain the sanctity of the beautiful town. If I had to explain what is so special about the place, I probably wouldn't be able to figure it out. All the hill towns have the same features - mountains, thick forests, small houses, and lovely people, and yet each one of them is so different and unique. Bir was unlike any hill town that I have been to. The quiet and peace of the place is just lovable.

The location of the Bir Zostel is really isolated, you wouldn't reach there without the help of the locals in the area. They are just so amazing. An isolated place far from the crazy population is exactly what I wanted, and Zostel was the perfect place therefore. It has recently opened, and is home to some very nice people, and exciting vibes. The moment I reached, I met this group of people who were going for paragliding, and asked me to join them if I wanted. I, being a sucker of good company and adventure, of course agreed. I had plans to do paragliding anyway, but I didn't know I would do it the first thing in Bir.

Within the first 30 minutes of my arrival at the hostel, I had already met three very interesting, different, and adventurous people, who all were on a solo trip of their own. I was told that the ride till the paragliding site is going to be more adventurous than the paragliding experience itself. They couldn't be truer. To reach the take off site, one has to go through all these twists and turns on the hilly road. The view is amazing, but your driver makes sure that you are more worried about your life than the views ;)

Once you reach the top of the hillock, you are satisfied that the crazy ride was totally worth it. You are suddenly surrounded by nothing but the clear skies and the beauty of the mountains. It is a different feel altogether.

Like every other adventurous thing on my 'bucket list', paragliding was something I was super excited as well as a bit scared about. I have had a brief experience with paragliding at Kamshet during my last solo trip, but this experience at Bir was a bit 'more'. The paragliding site at Billing is world's second highest, and of course the best in India. To fly high in the sky with such amazing views to surround you, is an experience to cherish after all. I didn't know I could make that run and glide away in the sky, until I did it. And for the lack of apt words, it was the best experience ever!

I fell in love with the place, and not only because of the best paragliding experience, but there was something about Bir, that made it a tad bit 'perfect' in every sense. The people were amazing, the places were beautiful, and the experience was just exciting! From the monasteries that were just so peaceful and quiet, to the energetic young monks who you could see hopping around in most of the corrners, to this beautiful little village called 'Gunher' which Google maps couldn't even find, and above all, the super awesome starry nights, I loved every bit of it. 

Not everyday do you get to sleep under a beautiful sky full of shining stars, and fireflies spread all around you. Bir has truly been something of a charm!

The Perfect Escape

So it is all over. The two years of pure torture. I have been waiting for this end for as long as I remember, and of course what better way to celebrate. This trip is something I had been planning in my head for a long time, and yet it was the most unplanned trip I ever took. But, the perfect one too!

--

It started with an Instagram post. I just fell in love with the place instantaneously. I had never heard about this place called Barot in Himachal Pradesh, but somehow suddenly it was the only place I wanted to be. I needed this break, after all the craziness and mind numbing experiences. So I googled it, and of course, there was not much information about the place. Thanks to the original post on instagram, I did find the whereabouts and ways to get there. After my last experiences of solo travel, I was really looking forward to another such experience, but somehow I still had the same inhibitions as I did last year when I took that solo trip to Goa. I guess, the excitement of a solo trip remains the same, even if you have done it before. I had no plans. All I knew was that I had to get there. In the middle of all this, of course I had friends who wanted to join me, and because their plans didn't resonate with mine, I just decided to go ahead and do it on my own. I was all set to explore this new place, and it was only the next morning that my plans suddenly changed. I saw this another post on instagram, and I just needed to be there. The amazingly beautiful starry night at Bir, Himachal Pradesh was just the motivation I needed. Bir was not a new place to me, I had heard about the place, I had seen images on the internet, and of course it had recently become famous because of the paragliding world cup that they hosted. One of the best part of this new plan was that Bir is only 50 km away from Barot, and so I could easily visit both the places.

To reach Bir, one has to take the 15-16 hours of journey by bus. Till the last minute, I was not sure if I was ready to embark on this journey, and I hadn't booked my tickets knowing that I could change my plans any minute. But I really needed this escape from the maddening heat of Delhi, and moreover I really needed time for myself. So I just went ahead and booked a room in Bir Zostel, which is a backpackers' hostel. My previous experiences with such backpacking hostels were enough to know that this was my best bet. So, now since I had already booked my room, I could not turn my back or change my plans. I reached the bus stand, found out about the bus, and waited... for the amazing experience that awaited me! :)

It's All Over...

Finally, it's all over. I have reached the bottom of the abyss that lasted for 2 years. I can't believe that all the sufferings, torture, hard work, and whatnot is brought down to those 15 minutes, when you stand in front of these known faces, and struggle to conclude the journey in the best possible way. You work endlessly over something that you have to present in those fifteen minutes only. Somehow, those fifteen minutes appear extremely short, like someone has fast forwarded the time. But then, you are done with it. The other side will never be happy. and you just nod in agreement to whatever they say. It doesn't matter if you agree with them or not, you just nod, because you are not even listening to them. You have already entered the state of euphoria. After all, it is over! 

Inconsequential Little Things..

Have you ever spent a full night staying awake and thinking about inconsequential little things? You know the feeling when you are stuck with something and find it impossible to move on? Wouldn't you give anything, just to lose that feeling? 

Wait, What?

Somehow, I have had some very interesting conversations with the auto drivers of Delhi. I remember when the auto driver showed concerns over the much talked about rape case in Delhi. I remember when an auto driver, very unabashedly branded the 'modern' women as attention seeking whores. And then, I met this auto driver who very casually branded me as an anti-national. 

When I sat in that auto from Kashmere gate, to go to my place, little did I know what that journey was going to be like. It was around midnight, and I was obviously sleepy and irritated by the 5 hour long bus journey I had just experienced. So, I quietly sat in the auto, and thought about some very important things (things like what I am going to eat, how will I ever finish my thesis, why haven't I watched the latest Suits episode, or when the hell will they air the new season of GoT). Then, suddenly the auto driver started a casual conversation. 

He started with a biased question "What do you study in JNU?". 

I was taken aback, and suddenly it occurred to me - my appearance was very JNU-like, the jhola type sling bag, the unshaven look, the shawl, and dorky glasses. I smiled, realizing what they meant in the news when someone said "They were looking for people who looked like they were from JNU". So, to clear out his doubt, I just said "I don't study in JNU". 

"Oh, so you study in Jamia." he assumed.

I really had no patience to explain to him that I was in Architecture, and at IIT. Since I had asked him to take me to Jamia, I assumed, it was easier for him to make those assumptions. I just simply said "Yes".

"What do you study there?" he asked casually.

"Engineering. Civil", I said, in order to avoid the follow-up questions when I tell someone that I study architecture.

"Oh! Jamia has Engineering also?" he wondered.

I thought Why can't Jamia have Engineering courses? Is it because it's this so-called Muslim institute. Are we supposed to study religion only? Are we not smart enough to be engineers?, but I thought I shouldn't be so judgemental, maybe, he seriously didn't know Jamia had engineering, or Jamia had a college also for that matter, as the area's name is Jamia Nagar, and many people assume it to be just a locality name. So, I said "Yes, it has engineering also. It's pretty good you know", I just added.

"Hmm, so what do you think about what is going on in JNU?" he questioned with a bit of apprehension.

"Umm, well I don't really know. Some student gave a controversial speech I guess. People shouted anti-national slogans. They were booked for sedition" I replied with no interest whatsoever.

"Those bastards. How can they speak against the country, who is paying for their education? Don't they know they are nothing in front of the government?", said the auto driver, with a lot of passion.

I thought 'Really? The country pays for their education? Why the hell am I paying my fees? Why doesn't the country pay my fees too. Damn!', but chose a more reasonable response and told him "You know, it was proved that those videos were doctored, and fake!"

"Fake or not. They must have done something, otherwise why would it become such a big issue?" he said in response.

"Well, I think, studies and politics should not be mixed any how. So, I don't really know if they were fake or real, or whatever, I think this whole thing is gone out of proportion" I said with obvious disinterest.

By now, the auto driver had formed a very serious opinion when he said, "Nothing gives them the right to support a terrorist? Who are they to question the government?"

"I don't think they were supporting any terrorist", I said what I felt.

"Oh, so you think it is okay to speak in favour of a terrorist? You think it is okay to abuse our Prime Minister, for the bastard terrorist? Is this what they teach you at Jamia?" said the driver, with a bit of anger.

I laughed at his last statement. Wow, it is so convenient to form opinions, right?, and I said "Well, I am not sure what Jamia teaches, but now I am clear what stupidity and blind faith teaches you", I faked laughter, and asked him to stop the auto, as I felt more comfortable walking the remaining distance, than getting in a debate with someone having such biased opinions.

No, he didn't call me an anti-national. But then again, I don't think it was needed after he had conveniently assumed that my 'Muslim' institute teaches me anti-national stuff, and because I was a Muslim, I must support terrorism. Honestly, I have never really faced a discrimination or hatred based on my religion ever before, maybe because I don't come across as a typical Muslim. I don't have a long beard, I don't go around shouting that 'my religion is the best', or for that matter dress like a conventional Muslim. But these are just stereotypes I believe. Then again, that ride at late night taught me a lot many things about the current atmosphere in this country, and no, I don't feel unsafe, or threatened or anything, but yes, I do feel that there is a lack of intelligence, and logic, and reason, and well, truth. I am not an expert on either politics or religion. I am not someone with a lot of knowledge, but I do believe that I am qualified enough to speak about such stupidity that has become commonplace in the current scenario. And I refuse to go down and be one of them. I refuse to be judged or biased against, just because I have a difference of opinion. And I certainly don't want to shut my eyes, and believe in everything that media feeds me, or any of those so-called 'leaders' teaches me. I just don't want to.

Ignorance is Bliss..

This sudden turn of events around is so weird and frustrating. The whole country has become this maniac, about things people didn't really care about. Usually, it is a good thing when people start noticing the small little things that are usually avoided. But then, I don't think what is happening around right now, is good, or appreciative in any sense. For, how did your food preferences become the subject of debate? Why does it matter what I choose to eat? Why is it okay to voice your opinion over anything, and then shutting down those who go against them? Why is it not okay to talk about serious issues?

I am not a political person, and for that matter, not religious either. I avoid discussions that revolve around either of the two topics. But, all this fuss about food, politics, nationalism, religion, and justice, has become unavoidable. My social media feed is full of these news. How many people can you unfollow after all? Honestly speaking, I always believed that all this outburst of unnecessary crap was on social media alone, for, I hadn't met a single person in my circle who spoke so strongly against or for something. But then, I was right only until it happened to me.

I am a below average citizen of a country of about 1.2 billion. I don't follow news. I am not aware about the current affairs. But only for so long. My social media accounts make up for the news that I so wishfully avoid. I remember something similar happening few years back, when the entire world was talking about this gruesome rape that had happened in the capital city of India. It had raised so many questions, and ignited some strong debates. But, then again, I believe that was not unnecessary, that was something much needed, that was a constructive outburst. In total contrast of that, what is happening these days, is utter nonsense. 

Few months back, the government announced the beef ban. While I am not in favour of that, I thought 'well, it's okay, any way we are not eating it on a daily basis, or for that matter, eating cow at all'. So, I didn't see anything wrong about it. But then, people went crazy about it. There were people debating this on national news channels, posting strong views on their social media accounts, and whatnot. It was still okay. But, then it was not okay when some people murdered a person because he was 'allegedly' storing beef in his refrigerator. Seriously? I mean, what the hell is wrong with people. Later, it was proved that the meat in the man's refrigerator was not beef, but mutton. Stupid right? First of all, I don't think it is okay to be keeping a tab on what is your neighbour storing in his refrigerator. Secondly, who the hell gives you the right to go on and kill someone for something so insignificant. Even if he was storing beef, I don't think the 'beef ban' gives you any right to kill. If it is anything at all, it is illegal, and for that, jail the person, put him on trial or do whatever is 'legal'. How is it okay to suddenly go and kill someone.

That was the stupidest thing I ever came across. But then, no, it didn't stop there. Suddenly there were news from all over the country. Allegations on people consuming beef. People being assaulted for eating meat. People holding protests, and arranging 'meat eating events' in protest. Seriously, what is wrong with everyone? Their IQ is seriously that low? Not even IQ, were they seriously that dumb? And as always, all this was politicized and got turned into religious debate. Well of course, religion and politics are but one, right? I am someone who intentionally avoids news, because I don't want to be involved in something that stupid. Yeah, maybe I am ignorant, or whatever. But, I seriously don't want to form an opinion on something I have no clue about. I am everything and anything, but I am not political at all. So, even when people blamed one particular political party for all this beef ban and people lynching, I cannot really blame the party. I mean, are people seriously that ignorant to blindly follow some party, and forget reason?

So, this happened, and of course a lot of other things followed, which as always, I ignored. Then, recently there was this incident, where a group of students held an event and apparently shouted slogans against the country. Well, it is stupid to be shouting slogans against your country, of course. So, they were booked for sedition. I didn't even know the meaning of sedition until then, and I didn't really have to look in the dictionary, thanks to social media and unwanted news updates on my feeds, it was all over my FB page. So, I thought, well it's okay, you are not allowed to say anything against the country, so of course you should be imprisoned or tried against. But then, some days later, it was found that the video based on which these students were branded 'anti-national' was doctored and fake. Wow! So much for attention, media channels. Bravo! So, I thought, well okay, it is proved now that the video was fake, so the students will be let go, and everything will go back to normal (despite the fact that 'normal' has ceased to exist), but of course, how could it just stop there. Everyone, and I literally mean EVERYONE was talking about this, and formed such strong views on this. 

The people I spend time with, both in my college, and at home, are more or less neutral on everything. Or, so I thought. My classmates were all super charged, and everyone was posting stuff on their FB, branding those students as anti-nationals, traitors, and whatnot. What I was surprised by is not the fact that they had such strong opinions on something so ridiculous, but I was surprised by the fact that this was coming from people who are 'educated' and study at one of the so-called elite institutes of the country. And this brought back memories of people in my university talking about beef ban and saying stupid things like 'it is a good thing that they killed those meat eaters', and because a lot of people ate beef, or at least some form of meat, they all were neutral. Neutral mind you, not against the ban. So, when these students held a meet to question the 'freedom' in the country, these same people from the most reputed institute of the country, branded them as anti-nationals. Like always, I did not post an opinion on FB, or discussed any of it with anyone. But then, there were people who I spend most of my time with (in college) who gladly posted stuff about the issue, saw videos where people were calling these students a lot of things. They were very happy when these students were insulted on a national news channel. I could only ignore.

So, why am I talking about this now, when I never talked about this before? Well, because despite seeing the people around, I honestly believed that all this is far fetched and made up, and exaggerated. Until, I sat in this auto-rickshaw.

Someday I will..

Hope is a curious thing. It brings to you a world, which you couldn't have otherwise. Hoping against the hope; someday you will live that life you always wanted to live. Not giving a damn. Writing a book somewhere far away from the maddening crowd of the city you live in. Wandering through the snow covered mountains of your beloved land. Or, just lying under the starry sky of the endless desert. Just, be.. Hope, is a curious thing, after all!

I see a white sail

skipping cross a blue bay

and I say Someday I Will

I see a young man

strumming on a green guitar

and I say Someday I Will

It is these little things that reminds you of your dreams. You are suddenly made aware of your existence; you are reminded of all such adventures you wanted to pursue, and there was always that 'some day I will..'

I don't have a plan

It's not that kind of thing

I'm not Martin Luther King

I don't have a dream

It's just sometimes I know

That's the way I'm supposed to go

No, there is no plan. You just always assumed it will happen on its own; life will change its course, and things will fall into the right places. But, no they don't..

I see a flying boat

and I get a lump in my throat

and I say Someday I Will

Someday

It is these little things which bring you closer to yourself. It is this after all, that you wished to be. You have accumulated all these little 'some day I will'-s and somehow you forget about them. Life teaches you that all your silly little plans were immature, and foolish. But then again, you know they were not! No, they certainly were not. It is those small things that you have collected, and it is your wish if you want to throw them away, or make them the 'looking forward to..' goals. Because, you have to believe it from within.. that.. 'someday I will..'

So whatever thrills you

Anything you love to do

Just say someday I will

Don't need to know who

May help you make it come true

Just say someday I will

Because you know what! Life takes its own course, but you do have the power to change. So, take that leap of faith, and change the way life itself is. Instead of waiting for life to take you somewhere, try to take life somewhere; somewhere where there is hope, a place you have been creating in your head for all these years... 

Don't have to work it all out

Don't have to tear it all apart

All you need's a place to start

And if it never worked before

Try it just once more

That's what your heart if for

Just, try! Because, hope is a curious thing after all!

What is Normal?

I remember meeting you in a life that was fair, and happy. Oh! I remember that. All that happiness, and the lack of efforts. What happened to all of that? Why has it become so difficult to look you in the eye, and tell you, everything there is not, to life without you! Why can we not stand this eerie silence anymore? I remember how words were not needed back then. I remember the happiness that came with every time my eye blinked, looking at you. It all seems like a long distant past, but somehow it's still a part of my present. While you're not..

Happiness has become such an elusive term now, what with the ever increasing pressure to pretend to be okay and happy. It is almost impossible to be unhappy in this perfect little setup, where, all these questions hover around and tear you apart. I remember being that, and was still okay with it. Why is it that I can no longer be glum, without having a tinge of pretense to it. And then there is this happiness, which is almost alien to everyone now. Nothing makes anyone happy. It's as if we fear it; we are scared that happiness is a torment in disguise. Where did the normalcy disappear? 

But then again, what is normal? To you, it's you; to me, it's me. We all live in a world that is not normal. Then how exactly are you? You cannot question my inability to detach myself with what is gone. I cannot question your saying there never was a past. We are but a part of the same page, only our books are different!

And I do remember it all.. Oh! I remember everything.

You think by now, you'll get used to it. You wouldn't be affected by any of it. But it's been more than a long time, and yet here you are...

The future belongs to you, don't let someone else be your past.

A Year That Was.

A year that was. A lot of it has changed in just one year. Suddenly, there is this new feeling to start afresh, a feeling which is unknown. I am not sure where is it going to take me, but I know it's not a happy feeling for sure!